Build Your Marriage | Discussion, Bible Study or Affair Recovery | Ministry Couple Addresses Wide Gamut of Relational Needs to Strengthen Marriages
Nobody enters the world alone. Relationships form the foundation of the human experience. But sometimes the ties that bind begin to chafe, especially between those we love most. Helping couples untangle the knots and strengthen marriage has long been the focus of Christian marriage speakers and authors Brad and Heidi Mitchell, founders of Build Your Marriage ministry.
Brad’s pastored churches for more than 30 years since his graduation from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. As a lead pastor, Brad sees many couples whose lives are in crisis. It wasn’t until the Mitchells’ own marriage crashed, and “crashed hard,” that he and Heidi realized they were called to draw from their experience to help others more formally. They founded Build Your Marriage 10 years ago and share their messages at conferences and camps across the country while still continuing to shepherd the River Church in a suburb of Cincinnati.
“We felt like the Lord was leading us to start a nonprofit ministry and talk about things we wished we would have done better,” Heidi said. “We’ve had the privilege of seeing couples’ lives changed and marriages healed and restored. It’s God’s ministry. We’re just trying to be good stewards.”
One unique feature of Build Your Marriage is that Brad and Heidi tailor their speaking topics to fit each venue and audience — church, camp, fundraiser or organization support group. “We’ve created a menu of material, so we always offer something fresh when we return to a host site,” Brad said. They’ve crafted 22 biblically-based sessions including titles like purpose, spiritual growth, communication, romance and spiritual warfare.
The Mitchells note the most frequently searched keyword on their website now is forgiveness, perhaps because that session draws from their authentic experience with infidelity that became the inspiration for their 2020 book, Ruined to Recovery: When an Affair is Discovered in which they transparently recount their struggle and ultimate restoration of their marriage due to God’s transformative power and the help of an effective Christian counselor.
“We’d been in intense counseling with a great counselor,” Heidi said. “I highly advocate Christian counseling. We wouldn’t be where we are today without it.” The counselor cast a vision about their speaking about their experience, but Heidi was not enthusiastic. Over time, God worked on her heart. The Mitchells realized there were things in their marriage they hadn’t handled well, like communication and conflict. “We argued poorly,” Heidi said. “We didn’t have the skills to know how to disagree with each other in a respectful way.”
The Mitchells did not intend to share their story in a book. However, they felt God called them to “take what was evil and turn it for his glory” to guide others through their experience. God clearly inspired the book’s outline one summer night as they sat on their patio. The words fell in place as Heidi jotted down thoughts on the back of an envelope.
Heidi describes Ruined to Recovery as the book she wished she would have had in the initial raw days as she searched for direction. They begin by addressing the immediate shock and pain. Ruined to Recovery is available electronically as well as in print specifically so people can access it on demand.
“It would have been so helpful if I could have downloaded our book that night, (when she found out)” Heidi said. “We knew we needed to write a book for couples who are going through this trauma and don’t know what to do. If I were talking to the offended, what would I say to them? What would Brad say to the one who had wronged?” The first third of the book speaks to the offended party. Heidi shares the steps she took to be able to react to the betrayal and eventually forgive Brad. He picks up the narrative and describes authentic repentance and the offender’s forgiveness of themselves. “How do you forgive yourself when you’ve done something you never thought you would do?” he asked. “What does rebuilding trust look like?”
“We see people be redeemed from something that was so evil and such a disaster. It’s given us an opportunity to speak and be part of a pathway that brings people to Christ.”
Brad Mitchell
The concluding portion offers hope and a road map for couples who commit to staying married and who desire to work toward returning to wholeness. Couples going through real struggles and painful situations can see how others on a similar path – maybe struggling with forgiveness or shame – have gotten to a healthier place. Several counselors the Mitchells respect have endorsed Ruined to Recovery and use it in their practice as a starting ground for conversations.
Although the Mitchells have been presenting for years, they’ve only recently begun to publish written resources. Churches were asking for materials to keep the momentum going after the Mitchells would inspire couples at a marriage conference or event. Heidi said conference organizers would show them the book table, and she felt bereft they had nothing to contribute
They wrote Build Your Marriage with Couples of the Bible to fill this void. While individuals can benefit from studying examples of couples in the Bible (good and bad), the book was designed as a gateway for forming small groups after a marriage event to foster community.
“Satan wants us to be alone and isolated,” Brad said. “We think we’re the only ones who are struggling. Everyone looks perfect because we live in an Instagram world. We all need community and support. You can use the book for weeks of growing in community with other believers.”
Brad and Heidi Mitchell
The inexpensive book tells the stories of biblical couples in nine chapters. No prior Bible teaching experience or preparation is needed to use it to lead others. Examples include how Priscilla and Aquilla illustrate the importance of knowing God’s true word to be able to recognize false teaching. Moses and Zipporah teach lessons on respecting in-laws; Joseph and Mary, how to trust God.
Shortly on the heels of releasing Build Your Marriage with Couples of the Bible the Mitchells wrote Build Your Marriage One Day at a Time, once again to meet a need. Couples of all ages and stages hunger for emotional intimacy. Build Your Marriage One Day at a Time asks one carefully crafted discussion question a day designed to spark conversation and take a relationship deeper.
Heidi said one of the biggest problems couples struggle with in marriage is communication. “People have a desire to grow more intimate with their spouse. They may love them deeply, but they don’t know how.” Now couples can open conversation with one of 366 questions arranged to be answered daily.
Some questions are just fun, like, What’s your favorite ice cream? Others tackle theological issues: What does heaven look like to you? Another asks about a person's deepest regret. What would you buy if you had $1000? Where would you like to travel? Each spouse can record their answers to keep a memorial journal.
Brad noted the book sells well around Valentine’s Day or as a gift for newlyweds and its questions have been used by small groups as icebreakers. He pointed out that even long-married couples can find inspiration in the conversation starters, noting that sometimes the answers to his questions evolve, so there’s always something new to share.
Whether it’s a resource for couples in a good place or help to restore hurting couples to health, you’ll find what you need at Build Your Marriage, buildyourmarriage.org.
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