Looking for a Lasting Love? | Sign off Dating Apps |Former Tech Journalist Flips Dating Rules Script, Encourages Women to Make the Move

Mar 15

You’ve met a new guy, and things are looking serious. Can you imagine telling your grandmother your relationship started because you “swiped right?” Or worse yet, your answer to your kids about how you met their father is that you picked his profile from an app because he was the one who had the highest income or looked cutest? Think instead of stories of couples who met in the real world. Maybe they worked together or shared a college class. Perhaps their pets tangled leashes at the dog park. Lack of a bonding origin story is just one of the many reasons financial and tech journalist and dating expert Jon Birger doesn’t recommend online dating as a wise choice for someone whose goal is establishing a committed relationship leading to marriage.

“The origin story is really important to who you are and your relationship,” Jon said. “It’s not the same as trading text messages. The ‘how-we-met story’ and ‘how-we-got-engaged story’ forecast the future. They give couples a shared experience and belief they were ‘meant to be’ that you just don’t get for online couples.”

Jon explains dating shortcomings in both his books, Date-omics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game, published in 2015, and more recently, Make Your Move: The New Science of Dating and Why Women are in Charge. He didn’t start out to become an expert in the dating/self-help genre, he explained. Jon was writing serious articles about the oil and gas industry for Fortune magazine when he noticed that while male co-workers (of whom there were few compared to females) were married or in committed relationships, most of his highly educated, smart female colleagues were unhappily single. His ears perked up when he heard their dating horror stories. Jon became so curious about the problems of Millennial dating he combed through social science research to try to discover answers.

Date-onomics qualified Jon as a dating expert, and Make Your Move was named in the top 20 dating books for women in 2022 from the National Council for Research on Women. While Date-onomics primarily focuses on the obstacles, Make Your Move includes more solutions how women who are looking for a life partner can position themselves to achieve that goal. Personal interviews add true voices and anecdotes to flesh out Jon’s conclusions. Success stories when people logged off dating apps are a consistent theme.

Other problems Jon finds with online dating:

Banishes the Mystery

“Online dating has become just another form of online shopping. Everything can be returned or exchanged. It’s all about landing the best deal. There’s little room any more for love or magic. Online dating is just another value proposition, one in which the gentlemanly electrician is a low-vale mate but the insufferable banker a high-value one.”

Higher Divorce Rate

The divorce rate for couples who meet on dating apps is six times higher than for those who meet in the real world. Jon found research that showed the one-year break up rate for couples who met on a on dating app was 16%. Those who were introduced by families and friends, 9%; neighbors, 8%; those who met in college or at work, 6%; and at a house of worship, 1%.

Physical Danger

The entire makeup of meeting a virtual stranger from online is inherently dangerous. Jon noted a Pew Research study that showed a majority of woman consider online dating to be unsafe, and 20% have experienced threats of physical violence.

“If there were a singles bar where 20% of women who went there were threatened with physical violence, would people go back?” Jon asked. “I don’t think men appreciate how little accountability there is with online dating and the level of anxiety women feel about physically meeting someone they met online.” Can a woman trust that Robert the investment banker really isn’t Billy Bob the ax murder? Women Jon interviewed reported extensive safeguards they felt they needed to put in place (letting a friend know their whereabouts, dropping a location pin) before they would agree to a physical date. Jon suggests an attitude of distrust doesn’t create the mindset conducive to meeting a life partner.

“Dating science shows if you enter the first date with this level of anxiety and discomfort, if you are worried he’s a married ex-con instead of the good guy he portrays himself to be on the app, it is very hard to fall in love or even like,” he said.

Cynicism

He writes of one woman who called online dating a, “Doubters Game.” She experienced so many guys lying to her about the age, profession or even whether they were married that she acted like an inquisitor, fact checking their stories.

The woman now is engaged to a man she met through a mutual friend. “She didn’t feel compelled to Google him to death before, because she didn’t have to,” Jon said. “She knew her friend would never set her up with somebody untrustworthy or unkind.”

Easy to Walk Away

Another problem, the ease with which people couple and uncouple when they’ve only met online. “One thing that really worries me about online relationships with no history and connection is how easy it is to pull the plug and bid farewell if somebody has one screw-up,” Jon said. “If my best friend said or did a wrong thing, I have shared history with him. I’ll know if he’s made a one-time mistake or whether it’s a personality flaw. But without history, it is really easy to say, ‘forget it’ if a person messes up.”

Lack of Connection

“I’m shocked how many young singles are willing to go out with someone they’ve never even had a conversation with on the phone.”

Jon Birger

Jon also is surprised at how confident singles are to meet a complete stranger with whom they have only traded text messages. “I’m shocked how many young singles are willing to go out with someone they’ve never even had a conversation with on the phone,” Jon said.

Why do singles believe these sites are their best choice to find the one with whom they’ll spend happily ever after? Why does meeting the right person seem so impossible?

In Date-onomics, Jon identified a problem of the disproportionate ratio of women to men graduating from college. Several decades ago, one-third more women than men attained a college degree, now numbers are skewing even higher. Most people tend to date within their level of education and socioeconomic class – white collar workers tend to look to date and marry white collar workers, and vice versa. White collar men are in shorter supply than women, shrinking the pool of eligible bachelors. (The same is true for blue collar men, Jon said, but his books target women, as they are much more likely than blue collar men to read and buy books on dating.) Jon devotes a chapter on the advantages of mixed collar marriages, white collar women dating plumbers and electricians, to expand their options of finding a partner. He says women breathe a sigh of relief when they realize their inability to find a marriageable man is not entirely their fault.

In Make Your Move, Jon advises women in this competitive environment to be clear about indicating interest to a man (Even being the one to propose marriage) His advice directly contradicts dating books like The Rules, popular in the 1990s, that recommend women play “hard-to-get.” He pushes back against conventional wisdom.

“So much of the science the traditional books were based on has been debunked,” he said. “Maybe treating a guy like you don’t like him worked brilliantly in 1920s. That is not going to work now, particularly in a post- “me too” world. Guys may not be learning the lessons of “me too” as quickly as we should,” he said. “But one of the things we are learning is that we should leave a woman alone if she seems not interested.”

If a woman doesn’t answer a man’s phone calls, pretends not to be interested, he’s not going to be challenged by the chase, he’s going to back off, Jon said. Women need to make their intentions clear.

“Men like women who like them,” he added, noting that when he shares that idea, men nod and “women look at me like I am out of my mind. Women who are willing to make the first move have a real advantage over women who wait and wait to be courted.”

He scrutinized women who had beaten the dating odds and found they had a couple things in common. “They didn’t care about gender roles and norms when it came to making the first move,” he said. “They said, ‘there’s a guy I’ve always liked, I would be a moron to wait around for him to make the first move.’ They were assertive about going after what/whom they wanted.” He points out that the philosophy of waiting around would never apply to any other part of a woman’s life.

“You get this really weird advice that you can’t go after what you want. I don’t believe that’s effective right now,” he said. “No young successful woman would wait for an employer to reach out to her if she found a job she liked,” Jon said. “If you needed an orthopedic surgeon, you wouldn’t just wait for one to find you. No, you’d be assertive and reach out for what you need.”

He believes the idea that somebody else is supposed to make the first move is an outdated gender norm. Instead, Jon is a fan of being direct. He wants to motivate people to step out a little further than just asking if someone wants a cup of coffee or a casual get together.

“The more you put yourself out there, the less likely a man is to take advantage of you,” he said. “If you say, ‘Let’s go out for a drink,’ he’s thinking maybe you’re just looking for a hookup. If you say, ‘I’ve always liked you. I feel safe and comfortable around you. Would you like to go out on a date?’ It has a really powerful impact on the person on the receiving end.”

Another example of a small but effective “move:” Jon interviewed a woman with a “big personality” that could be a little intimidating. She had been talking to a guy at a party for about 45 minutes. She liked him but could tell he was nervous. She asked him, “So, are you going to ask for my number?” Jon calls this tactic opening the door wide enough so the guy knows for sure he is not going to be shut down if he asks her out. A woman needs to be clear about what’s going on so the guy can be comfortable walking through the door, he said.

Jon’s key piece of advice — meet people in the “real world.” Just the fact that you have some shared history automatically lessens the anxiety on a date. Even if the date is set up by a friend, both can trust the other’s authenticity and intentions. No need to “Google someone to death” before. Jon’s favorite place for people to meet is at work.

“25-30% of couples who meet at work end up marrying. That’s a sky-high percentage.” Jon started with this research about co-workers and then developed the thought process. “All our flaws and positives are on full display in the workplace. At work you’ve seen how someone handles problems and arrives at solutions, you are not just on your best behavior on an awkward date from meeting online.”

He also advocates singles take a chance and ask out that person on whom they have had their eye.

“If the goal is to find a life partner, where better to look than someone you already know and like?” he asked. Jon challenged a class of 40 college seniors if they could think of someone they knew, were attracted to and had always wondered if maybe they should ask out. He counted 40 raised hands. He encouraged them to work up their courage to take the first step.

What about the concern that if you go out with a friend and it doesn’t work out, you’ll have “ruined the friendship?” Jon believes the benefit of turning a friendship into something deeper is worth the risk of its sacrifice. “How many of people continue to maintain opposite-sex friendships later in life?” he asked. “Stop worrying about ruining the friendship – you are not shopping for used cars. You are looking for a life partner. If this person you feel a connection with is somebody you might want to spend the rest of your life with, if you want happily ever after, you should be willing to take a chance.”

The one app he does recommend isn’t a dating app at all. Jon likes meet up groups that gather people with shared interests, often through an activity. “You need to connect in the real world with likeminded people with likeminded interests,” he said. People meet doing something they both enjoy and have time and space to talk and get to know each other without any pressure of romantic involvement. It makes sense that it would be easier to connect romantically with someone with whom a person shares beliefs, priorities and interests.

“ Real world shared experience can’t be duplicated by trading text message over an app.”

— Jon Birger

And what about that proposal… should a woman actually ask a man to marry her? People like to be asked to do things rather than told, Jon said. He refers to a well-known New York City subway study in the 1970s where a subject asked seated passengers for their seat. It found 65-70% of people would give up their seat if they were asked nicely, but if anyone was rude or demanding, only 30% complied.

“Asking you to do something is really different than telling somebody to do something,” he said. This concept applies to a woman waiting (and waiting) for her boyfriend to propose. Instead of issuing a wedding ultimatum, Jon suggests the words, “I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” Jon believes most men will respond affirmatively.

“If you diversify your dating portfolio and flex your social muscles by engaging in all the ways available to you, you’ll increase your chances of success. How can you be more open to different experiences and different people? If you’ve been single for a long time, you have to look at what you can do differently to get a different result. It’s all about keeping an open mind and tossing out the overly-detailed checklists,” he added.

Find more about Jon at www.jonbirger.com or on social at @MakeYourMoveBook on FB, @jonbirger1 on Twitter.