Ready or Knot? | Book Challenges Couples to Productive Conversations, Decisions Prior to Marriage

Feb 17

Passion for marriage and a desire to help couples start off on the right foot is the motivation behind Scott Kedersha’s life’s work as a pastor, author and mentor. He’s counseled couples, led enrichment events and small groups, and taught pre-married classes, first for 18 years at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, and more recently taking the Marriage and Family Pastor position at Harris Creek Baptist Church in Waco. Scott has even written a book, Ready or Knot?, to help dating and/or engaged couples decide whether to move forward toward marriage.

Over his career, Scott’s “led thousands of seriously dating and engaged couples and officiated close to 100 weddings. He’s served alongside couples with successful marriages and counseled struggling couples who wish they had never gotten married in the first place,” from Ready or Knot?

“I want churches to help couples enrich marriages and help them make a good start instead of just responding to a broken marriage,” he said. “Let’s change the way we spend our time and energy. Pre-marital, newlyweds, enrichment are a better long-term solution.”

Fascination with marriage and its reflection of Christ’s love for the church did not always exemplify Scott’s lifestyle. In fact, he did not begin following Christ until in his 20s. Raised in a secular home, he made the typical mistake of looking for love in all the wrong places until he realized how unsatisfied he was. A friend’s gospel invitation was a lifeline to lift Scott out of the misery of his own making.

Scott was training to become a physical therapist when a beautiful young instructor caught his eye. Kristen was a brand new follower of Christ, and although Scott was growing in his faith, they were not yet on the same page spiritually. It wasn’t until several years later, with a breakup in the middle, that they determined they were ready to marry. Their life together now spans more than two decades and includes four sons and a shared ministry.

Scott describes his life as so radically changed by the gospel that he felt compelled to explore what it would mean to help others experience this life change. He graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary and was immediately hired by Watermark in marriage ministry.

“It kept me awake at night thinking about how to make it (marriage ministry) better and reach more people.

It’s a huge-felt need,” he said. “Even if a couple doesn’t have a relationship with Christ, they want a healthy marriage.”

Scott hopes to inspire people to change their perspective about marriage, to not be discouraged by statistics or be afraid of getting divorced. The church should be the place where people both talk about marriage and where people go to get help, he said.

He appreciates that working in marriage ministry allows him and Kristen to serve together as a couple and forces them to continue to work on their own relationship. “We can’t lead with integrity if we are not living it out at home,” Scott said.

“I love teaching what God’s word has to say about marriage with my wife and seeing people get hope about what marriage can be. Life is hard, marriage is hard. It is so easy to be hardened by sin and stuff that’s tough. Hebrews 3:13 says to encourage each other day by day. I’m thankful I get to see lightbulbs go off and people find joy.”

Scott transparently recounts his story in Ready or Knot?, a book he wrote with hope that its authenticity will inspire others to start their marriages on a firm foundation of honesty and trust. The book outlines 12 conversations couples should have before marriage and includes discussion questions and prayers.

Published in 2019, Ready or Knot? has been used by Christian community small groups and pre-married classes. It jumped in popularity after it received public praise from former Bachelor contestant Sean Lowe, with whom Scott is friendly after Sean and his now-wife of eight years attended one of Scott’s pre-marital classes at Watermark. Ready or Knot? corresponding supplemental video curriculum is available through Right Now Media. The book also is endorsed by marriage ministry leaders Gary Thomas, Scott Stanley, Family Life’s Ron Deal, and Married People Director Ted Lowe.

Scott was inspired to write the book to include more biblical reference than found in many other pre-marriage resources. He feels Ready or Knot? provides unique content in his segments on emotional intimacy, the importance of community and the idea of living with one’s spouse in an understanding way. Other chapters address communication and conflict, faith, differences, financial stewardship, in-laws, roles, children, friendship, and sexual intimacy. Real stories from example couples flesh out the content.

“These couples are friends. I am thankful for their willingness to tell their stories,” Scott said. He worked hard to ensure every chapter was authentic, biblical and practical. Scott hopes Ready or Knot? will help couples talk to each other about the hard stuff, including things in their past that might be painful.

“There are parts of my story I’m not proud of, and challenges I didn’t shy away from,” he said. “Couples rarely do well when secrets are hidden. I continually hope the book would give some guidelines about how to share our challenges and struggles well — give permission to talk about things and not just try to work through things on your own,” he said. “I promise, if you marry, you will have trouble. What will you do when those problems start? Don’t be surprised by them and don’t be afraid to bring in others to help.”

“Put your spouse’s needs before your own and look for ways to serve them in the task that they don’t like to do.”

–Scott Kedersha

“One of the warning signs I’ve seen in pre-married couples is a tendency to avoid anything that might break up the relationship. Some couples live in such fear of ruining a relationship that they stuff their feelings or thoughts because they don’t want to upset the other person. If you want to best prepare for marriage, you must learn to have difficult, sometimes, awkward, conversations,” Scott wrote in the book.

He starts the book by defining marriage through a biblical lens. “Why a Bible Based Understanding of Marriage is Important – Your understanding of marriage will determine how you respond when your spouse disappoints you. …. If you don’t have a biblical view of marriage, then you will seek a way out as soon as your spouse disappoints you,” he wrote.

Another great take away from the book: “Here’s a Knot-Tying Tip that will serve you well in marriage: find that one thing your spouse hates to do and do it for all the days of your marriage. Put your spouse’s needs before your own and look for ways to serve them in the task that they don’t like to do.”

Scott does espouse a strong biblical view when it comes to sexual purity – even recommending couples stop having sex if they already are and setting boundaries that contrast with cultural norms common to most Millennial and Gen Z couples. Some of the recommendations may seem a little implausible for those who already have been sexually active or are living together with no desire to discontinue.

He agrees this book will be most applicable for those “followers of Jesus Christ who are trusting and believing what His word has to say.” Scott noted that 15-20% of his marriage prep classes are usually made up of non-believers or non-church goers. And he’s happy they’re there.

“I tell them that we won’t always agree, that we are going to challenge you to think in some ways in your relationship that are really different from your co-workers and friends. You will disagree with some of what you hear, because we are not working off the same blue-prints and the same foundation.”

He asks in the book: “What foundation will you choose for your marriage? Will you choose to build your marriage on the rock-solid words of Jesus Christ, or will you build it on the shifting sand of what this world says about marriage?”

“Ultimately, I’d want you to put your trust in Jesus and have a great marriage, but it’s foolish to miss out on great wisdom about money, conflict, dealing with differences, just because we disagree on something like sex,” he added.

One of the most humorous statements in the book is found in the sex chapter. It’s designed to get a young couple’s attention while casting vision for the future: “According to a recent study, the most sexually satisfied couples are in their fifties and sixties. Guess what? That’s probably your mom and dad, and they’re home alone right now. While you recover from your nausea, let me tell you why I agree with this survey….” Scott then explains how sharing years of communication, trust, love, spiritual intimacy and commitment will deepen sexual intimacy.

Scott does mention “red stoplights” – warnings that a couple should take a break from each other, even call off an engagement to re-assess, something he and Kristen experienced themselves. One such red light is if a member of a couple never asks for forgiveness, another, if they don’t share the same faith.

The book concludes with questions and answers, as well as practical advice on how to break up well and stop having sex. Scott’s next project is crafting a Ready or Knot? Prayer Guide gleaned from the book’s content.

“It’s 100 days of different attributes to pray for yourself, your significant other and your marriage,” he said. Examples of content include courage, resilience, playfulness, fun, abiding, commitment and humility. “I can pray for my humility, my wife’s humility, for us to be humble in marriage,” he said. “I think more than ever we see couples praying for their relationships,” he added. Soon they’ll have another resource to help them make good decisions and start on a firm foundation — before they decide to tie the knot.