Wisdom with a Smile | Beloved Christian Psychologist Renown for His Humorous, Practical Approach to Relationships

May 2

Have you ever wanted to “Have a New Kid by Friday?” or a New Teenager, a New Husband, a New You? It’s likely you’ve run across one of these or other relationship-related titles written by prolific and beloved Christian psychologist, author and speaker Dr. Kevin Leman over the past several decades. Dr. Leman is recognized and respected worldwide for his practical and humorous approach to doing life. He’s made “house calls for hundreds” on radio and television programs as diverse as Fox & Friends, The View, Focus on the Family, and Oprah. He even formerly was a consulting psychologist to Good Morning America. At current count, Dr. Leman has written 67 books, many of them New York Times best-sellers.

Dr. Leman never planned to become a publishing phenomenon. He was teaching at the University of Arizona in the early 1970s, where his classes were “embarrassingly big.” “People kept telling me I should write a book,” he said. His first widely popular title, The Birth Order Book, was published in 1985 on the heels of his 1984 Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. The Birth Order Book explaining dynamics of birth order in relationships catapulted his writing to fame.

Although many of his titles pertain to parenting and family, Dr. Leman confessed he enjoys writing about marriage even more than parenthood. In his writing, as well as his more than 40 years of psychology practice, he is motivated to help young people begin their lives together on a firm foundation.

Dr. Leman credits Sande, his wife of” 54 years in a row”, as the catalyst who changed his life. Not only did she motivate him to return to school and take his studies seriously, her gentle request that he attend church with her reconnected him to the faith he’d abandoned in his youth.

“She popped the question, ‘Would you go to church with me?’ about three months into the relationship,” he recounted. “I didn’t want to go to church. I was a punk! But what do you say to this woman you are falling in love with? You show up at church. That night I met Jesus. I remember the sweat pouring off my brow. I knew all about Jesus, but it was miraculous. I walked out of church a new man.”

He went from previously being thrown out of college to making the Dean’s List. Ten years later Dr. Leman was Dean of Students at the University of Arizona and later was awarded the school’s highest honor, the Alumni Achievement Award. He displays his actual high school freshman report card in his book, Planet Middle School. “I flunked every subject!” he said. “It’s encouragement to moms and dads around the world that things can change.”

In his books – including, Have a New Husband by Friday - How to Change His Attitude, Behavior, and Communication in Five Days - Dr. Leman describes differences between men and women in his refreshingly honest and humorous style.

“Women are weird, and men are strange,” he said. “Women use three and ½ times more words than men. They tend to come across that they understand men, but most are clueless. Late-breaking news: We men hate your questions. We hate the ‘why’ word. The last thing we want to hear after a long day of work is, ‘Honey, we need to talk…’ It sends shivers up our spine.”

He offers women a key phrase to use if they are having trouble getting their husbands to open up. “The magic words are, ‘Honey, can ask your opinion about something?’ That man has an opinion,” Dr. Leman said. “We’re not the communicators you women are, but we really do want to please you. We want to be your hero.” Dr. Leman suggested women leave one of his books in the family room and let their husbands discover it.

Another marital must – putting the couple ahead of the kids.

“We have seen the enemy, and they are small, and they are unionized, and they live in our home,” he said. “Children are hedonistic little suckers with no social interest in anyone but themselves.”

He encourages parents to leave the baby at home with a sitter for an evening. Set the pattern that you are a couple. “Kids do not belong in your bed or bedroom,” he emphasized. Show a healthy respect for husband and wife “You guys are the captain and co-captain of the Good Ship Family,” he said. “Do you have a port of call? Let kids see what a real marriage is all about. Learn to say, ‘Would you forgive me? I was wrong.’”

Dr. Leman advocates parents create relationships with their kids, not just rules, and says his best piece of advice applies to any relationship,

“They don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”

This is just one idea he included in the leadership book The Way of the Shepherd he co-authored with Bill Pentak. It still receives five-stars despite its being published in 2004.

“Marriage isn’t easy, but it’s simple. Parenthood isn’t easy, but it’s simple. Take advantage of those malleable years and have fun with the kids,” he said. “They are not going to have that blue hair when they are 40.”

Dr. Leman was one of the early voices to discuss the importance of physical intimacy in marriage. He released Sheet Music - Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage in 2003. A later title, The Intimate Connection - Secrets to a Lifelong Romance, also address the issue. Two decades ago, people in the Christian community were not talking about the sexual relationship in marriage. Dr. Leman was one who opened the door with frank, yet humorous discussion, although he admits he blushed when he was writing it.

“Everybody should read Sheet Music,” he said. “We have not talked positively about this gift of sex God has given us.” He noted, “God was the original humorist when he came up with the idea that two shall become one, because he made men and women so different.”

“The creator created you ladies in a way that you can enjoy sex much more than your husband has ever dreamed of,” he said. But Dr. Leman wants men to recognize that for a woman to get there, she needs her husband to put in the effort to help her feel loved and ready to engage sexually.

“Foreplay in the Leman home means taking out the garbage without being asked, cleaning up the kitchen. Mrs. Uppingham (a pet name for his wife) likes the counters to be clean and the toaster put away. I’ve learned it’s important to her, and therefore it’s important to me.

He added that women appreciate when husbands make time for their children and are good dads and noted that he sees men in general are much better dads today than they were a generation ago. “A woman gets strength from knowing her husband’s that rock,” he said.

Another of Dr. Leman’s resources, Couples of Promise, not only has been a best seller but has started a movement of couples committing to honoring their marital vows. He said Couples of Promise includes a book and video series people still play to this day.

He grounds his ideas on a motto he learned as a child, when his mother “dragged him” to the JOY club at church. JOY stood for Jesus, Others and You, a paradigm in life he said, “you can’t beat.”

“There’s a great difference between being successful and being great,” he said. “If you want to be great in life, put other people first.”

These and other principles are taught at the Leman Academy of Excellence – a group of seven charter schools Dr. Leman founded with a fitting motto: Where Learning is Fun. He serves as Chairman of the Board of the free public academies.

“It is so fulfilling to see these kids learn in a structured arena. We put authority in the classroom teacher’s hands. We’re creating critical thinkers,” he said. On a recent visit, Dr. Leman reported he was surrounded by students demanding hugs.

In addition to schools, books, videos and podcasts, Dr. Leman’s interactive social media pages – 82,000 follow his Facebook page alone - allow viewers to communicate with him right from the site. Viewers can click to record a question that he promises to answer on his podcast. A recent post: “Parents, if you've got a burning question about raising your kids, or you're just plain stuck, I can help.”

“As you are helping couples, don’t make a lot of assumptions about the happiness factor in their marriage. True happiness is found in relationship with your maker, not your mate.”

Dr. Leman hopes to inspire marriage champions and mentors to be good listeners. “Don’t be so quick to say, ‘This is what you have to do.’ A lot of people in marriage, particularly in the Christian church, feel trapped. They are churchgoers, pillars of the community, but inside they are dying,” he added. “This creates a bitterness and loneliness that is noticed by few. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. As you are helping couples, don’t make a lot of assumptions about the happiness factor in their marriage. True happiness is found in relationship with your maker, not your mate.”

Dr. Leman encourages everyone to create a legacy worthy of following: “Be the person you want your kids to be.”