Time-Tested by Ten | Catholic TV, Radio Host and Psychologist Dr. Ray Guarendi Offers Wisdom Grown Though Experience
Most people would agree that raising ten children over 39 years of marriage qualifies someone to be considered an expert in family dynamics. The fact that psychologist Dr. Ray Guarendi and his wife adopted those children, some from very difficult circumstances, lends even more credibility to the advice he offers through his practice and media ministry.
Dr. Ray has had 40 years of experience in clinical psychology practice, run mental health and substance abuse centers and worked with children, parents, couples, educators and juvenile courts. Early in his adult years, Dr. Ray’s hobby was entertaining in night clubs as a pianist and speaker, which honed his skills as well as his humorous conversational style.
Now Dr. Ray is one of the most popular radio and television hosts in the Catholic community. His call-in radio program, “The Doctor is In,” has been on the air for the past 20 years and can be heard on 500 stations and Sirius XM channel 130. His TV show, “Living Right With Dr. Ray” can be seen on EWTN Global Catholic Network and is aired in 140 countries. Dr. Ray’s sense of humor, quick wit and ability to listen and get to the heart of an issue permeate every interaction.
In addition to finding him on radio or TV, his audience can access hundreds of audio and printed blog posts on parenting and marriage at his website, www.drray.com, which also links to 17 books he’s authored with titles like Raising Upright Kids in an Upside Down Word: Defying the Anti-Parent Culture and Taught by Ten: A Psychologist Father Learns from his Ten Children. One of his oft-quoted phrases: “Parenting is too important to be taken seriously.”
Dr. Ray published his first book, You are a Better Parent Than You Think, in 1984 at the tender age of 28. “Parents had become guilt-ridden and insecure, buffeted around by experts like me with their theories and notions,” he said. The message still rings true today. “The tsunami of experts and their theories has confused the last generation of parents. Society has turned on parents of traditional moral values. They feel besieged, and beleaguered, because society no longer thinks like many traditional parents do.”
“Parenting is too important to be taken seriously.”
You are a Better Parent than You Think “puts the power, knowledge and authority back in the hands of parents. Dr. Ray has helped thousands eliminate parenting frustrations by showing them proven parenting techniques that result in happy, well-adjusted children,” according to the website.
As Dr. Ray’s work became popular in the 80s and 90s, he “earned his chops” appearing on popular television shows hosted by Oprah Winfrey and Joan Rivers. As he became more skilled in the interview process, he was invited to host his own radio show on Catholic media.
Many callers struggle with the same issues, he reported. They see their spouse as very difficult to live with – critical, scolding, argumentative or unemotional. “80% of divorces occur not because of pathology like abuse or infidelity in the marriage,” Dr. Ray said. “The problem could be summarized by, ‘I really don’t like you anymore.’ Culture is sweeping away people at an unbelievable rate.”
He’s found “women are more dissatisfied with their husbands than their husbands are with them. Society would say men are jerks, men are toxic, and women can’t deal with it anymore,” Dr. Ray said. “But for much of human history, women needed men for food, for building, not to be an emotional communicator. Now women don’t have to be protected in the same way, and they can get their own food. A lot of the value guys brought to the relationship women don’t need any more. Women get frustrated because they want men to be more emotional, more sensitive, more communicative – those traits don’t come as naturally to guys. Women’s expectations in that interpersonal sphere are harder for them to meet.
“Sometimes a woman will call in complaining about her husband, and I’ll think she just wants to be married to another woman who can lift heavy things.”
Men in turn, expect their wives to think more like guys and consider a woman’s communication style and way of discipline “nagging.” Dr. Ray tells them, “Her style may not be what you want, but she has God-given authority over the children. Step in with your style and protect her.”
The Guarendis pursued adoption early in their marriage when unable to conceive physically. Even several decades ago, adoption was a difficult and expensive process. However, once they realized the overwhelming need for placement for children of various races and abilities, they subsequently expanded their family to include ten children. Dr. Ray describes several as having turbulent beginnings typical of children who have suffered from drug and alcohol abuse in the womb or have been removed from their birth parents because of neglect.
“When the womb is not a safe place for children, they have trouble developing psychologically and neurologically. Everything is harder,” Dr. Ray said, adding that parenting ten children provided plenty of material for his books.
In addition to the immediate subjects living in his own home, Dr. Ray also learned from his clients. He noticed a parallel between marital and parenting problems. The most challenging aspect of either therapy is convincing people to act on his suggestions, he said.
His book directly addressing marriage is titled, Simple Steps to a Stronger Marriage, a newly updated version of his original Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards. Its premise is that the secret to building a better relationship with one’s spouse involves changing just a few small things. One small step can ripple through the entire relationship, a process he calls the Cascade Effect. You don’t need to learn exotic new communication techniques or rearrange your lifestyle, he notes on his website. “Several steps are so simple that you likely learned them in grade school.”
“You don’t need to learn exotic new communication techniques or rearrange your lifestyle...Several steps are so simple that you likely learned them in grade school.”
Dr. Ray illustrates the concept with a parenting example. Parents will come to him worried about their adversarial relationship with their young child. He’ll suggest a few discipline principles to put them back in authority. Once proper discipline has been established, a restored, even affectionate, relationship follows. Parents tell him, “It’s like I’m living with a different human being!”
The same principle applies to marriage. “There are significant, tiny, effective moves everyone is capable of making that will have a dramatic effect,” he said, “but people either neglect them or resist them. We get sloppy in our relationships. It’s the law of social entropy. When you first started dating, you used your manners, you gave compliments. Now are you sloppy with your compliments? Do you say please and thank you? We pound away at manners with our five-year-olds, but we simply get lazy and apathetic.”
He realized from clinical experience that his book couldn’t just recommend ten simple steps for couples to do, he needed to address people’s resistance to acting on them.
“The steps are easy; why do we resist them?” he wondered. He created an audio post explaining a humorous “marriage system” to help quantify what is or is not healthy behavior for men. “If you do something your wife likes, you get points. If you do something she doesn’t like, you lose points,” he explained. “If you run an errand for your wife, you get five points. If it’s in the rain, plus eight. If you come back with only beer, minus five.” Listen for more tongue-in-cheek examples on his website that “quantify the good, the bad and the ugly.”
Say You Are Sorry
The first of his 10 simple steps is to say, “I’m sorry.” Dr. Ray demonstrates this concept with an example of a fictitious couple who had difficulty with apologies. He asked them when was the last time they apologized to their spouse? One answered, “When our daughter was in kindergarten.” “How old is she now?” he inquired and was told, “She’s an attorney.” “The words, ’I’m sorry”’ in their marriage are about as pleasant as a root canal,” Dr. Ray said.
He created a Personal Apology Percentage to motivate couples. Dr. Ray asked each spouse how wrong they believed they had to be before they would say they were sorry. How much of an argument would they agree was their fault? Whatever the answer — be it 1 or 99% — Dr. Ray challenged them to apologize for their percentage.
“A Christian should have a 1% apology percentage,” he said. “The first step is a tiny little thing, but it’s a huge hurdle. In apologies, it is easier to act sorry than to say it. Acting sorry only counts partially. Ideally, you should act sorry and say it. If and when your spouse apologizes, you should accept the apology no matter what,” he recommended.
Listen a Minute
Another simple step: Listen a minute. Regardless of the issue, Dr. Ray advises spouses to listen for understanding. “Just shut your mouth for one minute. Don’t defend yourself or argue, so you can at least hear why your spouse thinks as they do.” That practice takes away all the defensiveness. Then they can ask questions to try to understand their spouse’s perspective.
“When you do that, you are conveying you want to hear specifics. You don’t have to agree,” he said. “This is a sore spot. People more often want to be understood than agreed with. The goal is to soothe them. If somebody thinks you are trying to understand them, they will soften.”
Look for the Good
In a marriage that seems to have more downs than ups, people tend to let the ups fade into the background, he said. Instead, make a list of everything you admire or respect about your spouse. Typically, people want to discuss all the things that are wrong, but this time, tell your spouse everything they do right.
Dr. Ray remembers one wife who practiced this technique with her husband and reported the couple talked for hours. Her husband found out she admired him, but she hadn’t said it in four years! They went for a walk, held hands — an example of the Cascade Effect in action.
Change Yourself
Dr. Ray’s found that most of the time when couples come into his office, what they really want is the other spouse to change. He tells them the only person they can change is themselves, but, if they change first, their spouse may change somewhat. He used an example of a wife whose husband thought she nagged him. She was reluctant to change because she was concerned if she did, she wouldn’t get any action. Dr. Ray suggested cutting down or stopping, which many times will motivate a husband to be more cooperative. “Change you first. Try it and see what happens,” he said.
Dr. Ray Guarendi
Learn more about the Cascade Effect and small ways you can improve your relationships at drray.com. You’ll appreciate his timeless, humor-filled advice as he addresses a variety of marriage, family and spiritual topics. Few have more bona fide experience than a long-married psychologist who’s survived raising 10 children!
