Love and Laughter / Jay & Laura Laffoon Make the Most Out of Life’s Messiness
There’s nothing more delightful than to hear your spouse laugh. It’s pure gold knowing the person you love is feeling joy and having fun, say Jay and Laura Laffoon, authors and speakers who create opportunities for spouses to connect and grow as they laugh together. They dub their work “Edutainment,” as they combine education with entertainment during date night events and marriage conferences where they transparently share the messiness of their 35-year marriage. “Jay and I believe that all married couples share the same struggles and joys along the journey,” they write, stating their goal is to “help busy couples stay happily married for life.”
The Laffoons present their material live at church conferences around the country, as well as host fall and summer events at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, Michigan, and an annual cruise. They lightheartedly encourage couples, although they do address more serious topics like conflict resolution and communication. They change the content of their show every year to keep things fresh.
Information presented echoes that found in their books, He Said, She Said and Making the Most of a Messy Marriage. The latest show is titled “All You Need is Love.” This theme highlights the differences between needs and strong desires, Jay explained. “So often in marriage we use the word need, and it puts undue stress on our spouse and marriage. There’s a huge difference between a need and a strong desire that might not be met perfectly.”
As they created content, they interviewed more than 1000 married people to discover what phrases resonated. “She needs to hear, ‘I love you,’” Jay said, “and to experience love in many different ways and with all her five senses. She needs to hear, ‘I respect you,’ including her opinions and abilities. Men need to hear, ‘I believe in you,’ in his dreams, what he wants to do.” Jay noted another important phrase men need to hear, “’I need (blank) from you.’ So often women think men are mind readers. Men don’t just know. They need to be educated. We tell the ladies, if you have married a good man, he wants nothing more than to make you happy. But he doesn’t know how to make you happy because that changes.”
Prior to launching a marriage ministry, Jay and Laura spent years serving youth. (Jay was ordained by the Church of God in Anderson, Indiana, in 1985). Occasionally they’d be asked to lead a marriage experience. On the way home from one of their first events, they outlined information for their first book, Make Love Every Day, which introduces the idea of cultivating love to help it grow. Subsequently they were invited to lead a conference at the Grand Hotel, which sparked their interest in hosting their own event at that beautiful destination. They held their first marriage event for 100 couples there in 1996. Now their twice-yearly events draw between 400-500 people.
“You don’t realize you are slipping away from the Lord or your wife or your kids. We want to help you navigate that and slow down a little.”
They note the three issues men and women conflict over most are money, sex and family. “Add in the fact that men and women communicate differently, and that’s where we really have our disagreements,” Jay said. By and large, men talk about facts and activities, women about feelings and people. Communication is the theme of their He Said, She Said resources, in which they recommend couples set aside 15 minutes a day for uninterrupted conversation (with their phones and screens put away.) “Most men don’t realize how important conversation is for their wives. If she knows she’s going to have 15 minutes of undivided attention where he’s totally focused, that’s a winner,” Jay said.
Their suggestion to date and the book, 52 Dates for Busy Couples, grew out of the 15 minutes of conversation material. “Doing something together strengthens social abilities and provides real benefits,” Laura said. 1) You remember that you like this person 2) You stay connected through the power of shared experience. “The word play means recreation. Break that down to re-creation. Re-creating this relationship on a regular basis keeps it rejuvenated. You are going to remember doing something or going somewhere together more than any stuff you would buy.”
52 Dates provides creative ideas to continue dating, from the simple – take a blanket and stargaze in the backyard – to the adventurous – go to an ax-throwing or gun range. One favorite date called “Get Lost,” grew out of the drives Jay and Laura would take together during the pandemic. “Sometimes you need a little prodding to do something creative,” Jay said. “It’s not that hard.”
They advise those with young children to find another couple they trust and have grown close to with kids the same age and swap date nights. The kids will have fun, too!
They note their favorite of their books is Making the Most of a Messy Marriage. “We are a mess, and we talk about what a mess we are. When you bring fallen creatures into a marriage, it’s going to be messy,” Laura said. “We try to get people to realize every marriage is a mess – everyone goes through things. Couples think they are the only ones experiencing something. We very much struggle with the same things, but there are habits you can build into your marriage to make them easier.”
The book addresses physical, mental, social, emotional and spiritual habits they can build into their marriage to make the most of it. “A strong marriage is achieved when you and your spouse act as a team,” they write.
“Re-creating this relationship on a regular basis keeps it rejuvenated. You are going to remember doing something or going somewhere together more than any stuff you would buy.”
“Satan doesn’t want you bad, Satan wants you busy,” Jay said. “You don’t realize you are slipping away from the Lord or your wife or your kids. We want to help you navigate that and slow down a little.” Often, couples or small groups will desire to connect more deeply with the Laffoons after attending a conference or date night. Their content is available as a self-paced, on-demand course online at their jayandlaura.com website. They also offer small group experiences live via zoom. The Laffoons unpack curriculum and offer time to chat or consult throughout the week. Jay and Laura note small group zooms are a great way for couples in a church to connect with others they might not have known previously.
They also conduct one-on-one couples coaching. Their end goal for every couple is to walk away with a family mission statement. “Every couple is unique,” Laura said. “We help them break down the good and challenging in their marriage. We walk through a process developed more than a decade ago about how to create a mission statement for your family that will show you how God has put his thumbprint on your marriage. It gives you a filter to say ‘yes’ to what they need to say ‘yes’ to, and ‘no’ to what they need to say ‘no’ to.” For example, they coach couples to run opportunities to serve through a filter that will keep them growing and fulfilled together.
The Laffoons’ own family mission statement reads: To encourage others to become like Christ through healthy lifestyles, stimulating experiences and loving relationships.
Laura & Jay Laffoon
They noted a couple with two young children was able to make a wise decision together about whether or not to attend an expensive overseas wedding by using the filter of their family mission statement. “It’s those kinds of practical decisions that help you see when you say ‘yes’ to something you say ‘no’ to something else. Even something simple like, ‘should I volunteer on this committee?’” Laura added.
“When you are in the forest you can’t see the trees. We help them see the trees,” Jay said.
Looking to put a little laughter in the life of your couples or get on track? Invite Jay and Laura to host a date night at your church or connect online.
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