Lifetime Legacy | Reflections from Gary Chapman, Founding Father of Relationship Ministry

Dec 13

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., counselor, pastor, speaker and best-selling author, can be considered a founding father in the field of family and relationship ministry. He’s best known for developing the 5 Love Languages concept. His book by the same name, The 5 Love Languages, published in 1992, continues to sell more copies each year than the one preceding. It’s now been continually in print for 30 years, sold more than 20 million copies in English and has been translated and published into 57 languages worldwide. Dr. Chapman believes personal endorsement is the key to its popularity. “Couples read it, it changes their marriage, and they want their friends and relatives to read it, too.” From one person to another, The 5 Love Languages has crossed cultural barriers and spread around the world. The love language concept has become so ubiquitous it even inspires copycat slogans: “tacos are my love language” or “chocolate is my love language,” displayed on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

The love languages form the cornerstone for those in the marriage and family field who have followed Dr. Chapman’s footsteps.

Why is the theme so universal?

“Love is not the only ingredient in healthy relationships, but from my perspective, it is the foundation,” he said. Dr. Chapman believes “the deepest emotional need we have on the human level is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. Understanding other people’s love languages helps us meet that need more effectively.” He realized during his counseling sessions couples were missing feeling loved by their spouses.

“I will never forget the first time I encountered the reality that what makes one person feel loved doesn’t necessarily make another person feel loved,” he said. “It’s a common phenomenon. People were expressing love but missing each other.” In his recently published memoir, Life Lessons and Love Languages: What I’ve Learned on My Unexpected Journey, he shares the story of a couple he was counseling who had been married 30 years. They didn’t argue, they didn’t have money problems, but the wife was at her wit’s end because she didn’t feel loved by her husband. The husband didn’t understand her feelings, because he was showing he loved her by busily mowing the lawn, washing the dishes, and starting dinner. What she wanted was for him to sit and talk with her. “He was a hard-working man, but he was missing her,” Dr. Chapman said. Anyone who has ever read The 5 Love Languages is probably thinking, “Ah-ha! He’s showing her love by performing acts of service, but she wants him to love her by spending quality time with her!” But in the early 1980s, these concepts and their distinctive categories were a breakthrough.

Dr. Chapman started taking notice every time someone in his counseling practice said they felt like their spouse didn’t love them. What did they want? What was missing? The answers fell into five categories he named languages (perhaps in a nod to his background in anthropology.) He began teaching people if they wanted their spouse to feel loved, they must learn the other’s love languages. He used the concept in counseling and as he taught marriage classes. Most said the technique changed their marriage. (Including his own. Dr. Chapman transparently recounts his own marital struggles in the early years.) After 10 years counseling couples and 20 years of marriage, Dr. Chapman put the love languages into a book to reach more couples than he’d ever be able to see in his office. “God uses books to touch hearts and change lives,” he said. Although he’d been publishing since 1979, The 5 Love Languages took off and continues to multiply.

Interested in deciphering your love language? You can access a free quiz at 5lovelanguages.com. (A print version can also be found in the back of the book). More than 100 million people have taken the quiz in the 12 years it has been available online.

“When people hear about the concept, they are willing to go to the website and take the quiz,” Dr. Chapman said. “This demonstrates the deep hunger people have to learn how to communicate love to anyone with whom they have a significant relationship.”

The love language principle applies in all human relationships: family, friendships, work, children, teens, military. Often, Dr. Chapman has teamed up with another expert who provides the research and background to link the love languages to a particular specialty audience. His second love languages book, written with Christian psychiatrist Ross Campbell, addressed children. A book for teens developed when they realized what worked with kids wasn’t working with teenagers. Did they switch love languages? “I don’t think love languages change, but they need to learn new dialects,” Dr. Chapman said. “You need to learn more adult dialects of your child’s primary love language as they become a teen.”

Other targeted titles apply to families with a special needs child, blended families, someone who’s lost a baby. There’s even a book for those journeying with a loved one with Alzheimer’s. Dr. Chapman partnered with a physician who, after his own experience with his wife’s illness, set up a memory counseling clinic to share the love languages with couples dealing with the disease. Interestingly, “dementia patients don’t keep the same love language as their brain deteriorates,” Dr. Chapman said. He encourages caregivers to try to connect with diminishing loved ones through each of the five languages to see what might resonate. “The emotional center of the brain is still alive close to the end of the journey. When you hit it, you’ll get a response,” he said. Dr. Chapman also wrote a book about how God speaks your love language.

“Our desire for love and our desire to express love grows out of the reality that we are made in the image of God, who loves us unconditionally,” he said.

Would it surprise you to know The 5 Love Languages was not Dr. Chapman’s first book? In fact, he first published Toward a Growing Marriage in 1979 that developed out of his experience shepherding a young adult singles group early in his ministry. A revised edition, The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted, is still in print, along with its companion for singles, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married.

“There is not a couple who does not have conflicts,” Dr. Chapman said. “The key to having a healthy marriage is when two people choose to give themselves to serving each other. Then they both become winners. In the early days, we (he and his wife, Karolyn) were both losers. We both walked away from arguments resenting each other,” Dr. Chapman said. After a few years, a lightbulb went on. He began asking Karolyn, “1) Honey, how can I help you. 2) How can I make your life easier? 3) How can I be a better husband to you.

“When I started responding to her answers, her attitude toward me began to change. When we started serving each other, the whole climate of our marriage changed. God did not create marriage to make us miserable. God knows that two are better than one. He made us to complement each other. The good news is we choose our attitudes in life. We influence each other every day, either positively or negatively. The key to a growing marriage is seeking to have a positive influence on each other,” he said.

“One of life’s greatest satisfactions is to have people who really know us and still love us. The needs to feel love, significant, safe, valued and successful are human needs common to all.”

“Of all the impacts on my life’s journey, none is greater than the amazing love, mercy and grace of God.”

— Gary Chapman

Many of Dr. Chapman’s 59 titles were inspired by his work either counseling or leading groups in his 50 years on staff at Calvary Baptist church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. His works have been so widely distributed those who find him through one of his love language resources or website might not realize how significantly his Christian faith and pastoral training influence his thoughts and practices.

“Of all the impacts on my life’s journey, none is greater than the amazing love, mercy and grace of God,” he noted in his memoir.

Dr. Chapman knew at age 17 he wanted to dedicate his life to serving Christ, he just didn’t know how. His quest led him to spend the next decade of his life training and obtaining various degrees.

While Dr. Chapman’s Baptist upbringing deeply rooted him in Christianity, he credits Moody Bible Institute with teaching him to have a personal quiet time with God. “Nothing has impacted my life more than this daily time with God. In my mind, there is no substitute for my ‘sit-down’ time with God each morning.” He also realized at Moody “not every Christian was a Baptist,” he said with a laugh.

After Moody, Dr. Chapman obtained a degree in anthropology from Wheaton College, married childhood friend, Karolyn, and completed M.R.E. and Ph.D. degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Anthropology “opened his mind to the whole world of cultures and how they are organized,” he said. He was advised to study at seminary to prepare for his and Karolyn’s dream to become missionaries in Africa. At Southwestern, he majored in adult education and took every counseling class offered, little imagining he’d spend the next 30 years counseling couples.

“I learned a lot about how adults learn,” he said, crediting the counseling program for teaching him how to become a good listener and to listen empathetically. Despite their best efforts and a decade of study, the mission board did not approve them for overseas missions due to Karolyn’s health. But God had a bigger plan.

“In those early days when we were rejected by the mission board, I would never have dreamed that our ministry to other countries would be via books rather than in person. We wanted to be missionaries, and now my books are all over the world,” he wrote.

Dr. Chapman’s background in anthropology (the subject of both his undergraduate and master’s degrees) came in handy when it came time to translate The 5 Love Languages into another language for the first time. Dr. Chapman wondered if the content would still resonate, but because he had been so culturally sensitive in its creation, nothing was lost.

He began speaking at marriage conferences in the 1980s – work he still continues. He’s held marriage and family workshops in more than 20 countries around the world. “Nothing is more important than our relationship with God,” he added. “Every week we have people invite Christ into their lives” at the conferences.

His nationally syndicated radio programs, Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, and the Love Language Minute Daily, air nationally on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations and can also be accessed via podcast. The Chapman Team at Moody Publishing is always on the lookout for ways to apply the love languages to a topic that resonates with the next generation to keep it on the front burner for couples. “It’s not going to go out of style,” Dr. Chapman said.

The team even created a Love Nudge app – “a playful, engaging tool” that “puts the concepts of the 5 Love Languages into action,” according to the website.

A new product, Better Love Featuring the Five Love Languages, launched in June 2022 in conjunction with well-respected counselors Les and Leslie Parrott. Better Love is a self-administered marriage assessment. By definition, assessments provide an objective snapshot of a couple’s relationship that allows them to identify strengths and weaknesses, which can then help them build a path to a healthier future. The Parrotts incorporated elements of The 5 Love Languages quiz into the assessment to provide greater relational insight and more personalized results.

“Love is not the only ingredient in healthy relationships, but from my perspective, it is the foundation. The deepest emotional need we have on the human level is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. Understanding other people’s love languages helps us meet that need more effectively.”

— Gary Chapman

Another of Dr. Chapman’s books that published recently is The 5 Apology Languages, reprising his original, When Sorry Isn’t Enough. The book addresses the problems of apologies. What one person considers to be a sincere apology may not align with another’s definition. Dr. Chapman and co-author Jennifer Thomas asked thousands of people two questions: “When you apologize – what do you say and do? When someone apologizes to you, what do you want them to say?” He found this concept extremely helpful in counseling. “People have different ideas of what a sincere apology is. If we judge someone to be sincere when they apologize, it’s much easier to forgive them,” he said.

Dr. Chapman counts the ability to deal effectively with failures second only to meeting another’s need for love. “I often call these two concepts the two essentials,” he said. “Everybody fails in relationships. We need to deal with it, apologize and forgive. If not, an emotional wall begins to be built. The offense does not go away. If we deal with our failures, don’t build walls, apologize and forgive each other, we can have healthy relationships,” he said.

The concept even applies to public apologies. If someone desires to make a public apology that will be perceived as sincere by a broad audience, it is important to appeal to all five of the apology languages. Otherwise, the words will resonate only with some. A corollary to apology, and one Dr. Chapman ranks as a third essential to healthy relationships - learning how to handle anger in a positive way. Mismanaged anger destroys marriages and parent-child relationships, he said. His book, Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion, addresses that issue.

After 50 years on staff in a variety of different positions at Calvary Baptist, Dr. Chapman retired in July 2021, although “retired” is a word to be used loosely in his case. He speaks at marriage conferences almost every week over zoom or in person. He still maintains an office and counsels people personally on a short-term basis. He counts “not having to attend staff meetings” a privilege of reaching his mid-80s.

He acknowledges his wife and children as those who make him happiest and most proud, citing 3 John 4: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” Both his son and daughter are passionate for Jesus. Shelley is a medical doctor who delivers high risk babies. Derek uses an artistic ministry to evangelize and disciple. Karolyn, an English major, still edits his books. “I’m deeply grateful to my wife who’s been very supportive of my ministry. She’s a light wherever she goes,” Dr. Chapman said. “She never complains about my being gone speaking. I would not be who I am without her.”

When asked what’s on his bucket list, “Is there anything you’d like to see or do?” he said, “I’ve done. I don’t have any unfulfilled desires.” The motto of Wheaton College, “For Christ and His Kingdom,” is still imprinted on Dr. Chapman’s heart and mind. He simply wants to accomplish “everything that God has in mind for my life. I don’t know what that is. I just want to be faithful. I love what I do, and I know that it is helping people. I just keep on walking through the doors,” he said. As he states in his memoir,” I could not have planned his life. Man makes his plans, but God directs his steps.”