Dr. John Trent Improves Attachment, Relationships, Builds Strong Families

Nov 14

Do you know if your personality is similar to that of an Otter, a Golden Retriever, a Beaver or a Lion? If these terms are familiar to you, chances are you’ve read The Two Sides of Love, a classic marriage book written by Dr. John Trent. The animal identifications are part of a personality strengths assessment John developed for his doctoral dissertation in Marriage and Family Counseling. In the book, he and Gary Smalley expound on characteristics associated with these animals to help people understand the strengths of their personalities, blend differences and improve their relationships.

Intrigued? Those interested can take a short assessment at Strongfamilies.com to discover which animal’s traits best describe them. (https://www.strongfamilies.com/logb) Understanding strengths is one important step in the process of relating well with others as outlined in Two Sides of Love and his bestselling marriage and parenting book, The Blessing.

John discovered the concept of blessing while completing practical work for his Ph.D. from the North Central Texas Federation of Colleges and Universities. His inspiration came after a tough day of training at a psychiatric hospital. John noticed a red flag when counseling a college student who had attempted to take his life rather than disappoint his parents. John went home and began reading his Bible. The story where Esau begs for a blessing from his father, Isaac, immediately resonated with him.

“The scales fell from my eyes,” John said, “I realized what the young man had missed. I had a name for what he was struggling with. I was struggling with it as well. We’d missed the Blessing. John is convinced all people long to be blessed, by the Lord and by their parents.

Unfortunately, many parents don’t transmit that blessing to their sons and daughters, a fact John knew well from his own experience with an absent father.

John dove deeper (utilizing skills learned while earning a Th.M. in New Testament Greek from Dallas Theological Seminary) and realized the Blessing we can give others in the Bible included five elements.

*Meaningful touch

*A spoken message

*Attaching high value

*Picturing a special future

*An active commitment

He expounded on those elements in content that became The Blessing, which has since sold more than two million copies.

The book was originally published for parents to use with their children to help them instill a “deep sense of worthiness and unshakable emotional well-being,” according to its description on the website. Since its original publication, the book has been revised to explain how to give The Blessing to others – including your spouse. It also includes practical application tools, stories of how it’s lived out, how to create a lifestyle of blessing others, and insight and help for those who didn’t receive The Blessing. The final chapters specifically address those who lacked the approval of their own parents.

In the ensuing years, John has written more than 30 books stemming out of the concepts of The Blessing. He’s shared The Blessing message with two million men, speaking at Promise Keepers conferences, seminars at churches and on military bases across the world. The counselor, educator, family pastor, coach, husband and father created the ministry Strong Families to speak and train others to create cultures of blessing in their homes, workplaces, ministries, and the world.

John describes his work with his daughter Kari Trent Stageberg at Strong Families as “a father-daughter team on a mission to help end loneliness and build strong families.”

The Strong Families website is packed with resources – many of them at no cost.

The Blessing Challenge is a free online course designed to help people learn how to give the blessing to others. The three-video course is available on-demand in English and Spanish and includes downloads and an easy-to-follow plan that outlines:

What The Blessing Is

How to Give It

And How to Start Healing If You Never Received The Blessing.

Those interested in going deeper can take the 16-session course that goes much deeper into the concept of The Blessing.

But for marriages, John and Kari’s signature seminar is called Strong Relationships in Stressful Times. (https://www.strongfamilies.com/marriage). This on-demand, three-session streaming course has been used by couples, small groups or at larger church events. Participants will look at their strengths (Beaver, Otter, Lion, Golden Retriever), determine if they received The Blessing and learn how to rebuild attachment by incorporating The Blessing’s five elements. They’ll also learn about the two-degree difference – how small things can begin to make huge changes in relationships.

“A blessing means to add to someone’s life, and it needs to be verbalized,” John said. “So many couples struggle with this. It is not just for our kids. The same five things in The Blessing also build closeness and attachment when applied to marriage.

“Every element of The Blessing builds attachment in a way that says, ‘You are valuable,’ ‘I see you,’ ‘I’m committed to you,’” he added. “When somebody looks at you like they really like you, they just light up. A famous neurobiologist once said, ‘Love moves at the speed of joy.’”

He noted that so much of what scientists are finding in brain research is attachment based and tracks right along with scripture. While The Blessing initially was written in the context of a family relationship, John’s subsequent work radiates out of its concepts.

His Gold Medallion winning marriage book, The Two Sides of Love, has sold more than 500,000 copies. “More than a million couples have used the insights here to understand their own God-given strengths and find the secret to valuing differences in others! You were ‘placed’ in your marriage to complete each other – and you can as you learn about love’s two sides. Sound, biblical insights and ‘right now application’ on how the two of you can ‘bend’ your hearts towards whole-hearted love and relationship-changing commitment,” as described on the website.

In The Two Sides of Love, John begins with the strengths assessment to help couples learn to understand and value each other. He also shares develops a concept he calls the two-degree difference, inspired by a quote from the late C.S. Lewis that he paraphrases: “Every time you make a choice, you are turning slowly into either a heavenly or a hellish creature.”

“Good and evil grow at a compound interest,” John explained. “Small things begin to change everything. If you are driving a car, a good driver makes a lot of two-degree changes to stay between the lines. So many couples tell me they have a big problem and they need a big solution. Instead, they can start by making little changes.”

John backs this concept with scripture, referencing the parable of the faithful servant who wisely stewarded his master’s estate. “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.”

One practical change he suggests is creating a caring days chart. Each spouse is tasked with writing a list of 10 small, specific, caring things their spouse could do for them.

“For the average couple that’s really a struggle,” he said. “Guess how many small, specific, positive caring actions they’ve been doing? Zero!” Small things could include a five-minute backrub with no strings attached, help bathing the kids, or going for a walk together. He directs each to do one thing on their spouse’s list five days a week for six weeks. After six weeks, that adds up to 30 small, positive things they have each done for the other. He’s seen clinical couples, those who are struggling and don’t even like each other, reversing the curse by just doing small positive things.

“Actions dictate feelings, not the reverse,” he said.

To help couples apply these concepts, John has created a Lifemapping® tool he and Kari use to help people get “unstuck.” Based on the newly released book, Where Do I Go From Here, the two co-authored, Lifemapping helps couples regain their first love, caring and commitment as it helps them capture their life story and key pictures of their past and present. Then Lifemapping moves a couple forward to create a clear plan of blessing and attachment-building that can impact their lives and generations to come. John and Kari recently were invited to Focus on the Family to talk about Where Do I Go From Here. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOcxc8X8gQM )

Following Jesus’ example, John appreciates the value of storytelling and word pictures – often using a storyboard to help couples visualize their strengths and learn how to keep their plan going when life knocks them down.

John and Kari expand these ideas in Where Do I Go From Here. Ironically, Kari has found herself recently returning to their own advice as she and her husband recover from a serious car accident that has resulted in a long recuperation.

“People need to have a deep sense of their spouse’s genuine commitment – that with God’s strength they can see their future together.” John said. “It is so hard to be patient and deal with things. 77% of couples experiencing Traumatic Brain Injury or PTSD divorce. Kari’s been able to tell her husband that it’s tough now, but she’s hanging in with him.”

Kari recently wrote, “We pray that today you are reminded that God has a GOOD plan for your life. That He isn't done with your story, or your kid's story, or your marriage. He isn't going anywhere.” as she introduced the book to those who signed up for Blessing updates on the Strong Families website.

Training Champions to Become Coaches

In the last five years, John and Kari have expanded their ability to reach others through technology. They have partnered with the International Christian Coaching Institute ICCI, to train marriage champions to be coaches.

Dr. John Trent

Champions can become certified as Strong Family strengths coaches (using the Connect Assessment), blessing and attachment coaches, and Where Do I Go From Here Lifemapping coaches. No special degree or training is required, individuals can sign up to take the courses right through ICCIcoaching.com.