Roy and Sue Milam’s A New Beginning Intensives Help Couples Address Hurt, Move Toward Restored Marriages

Aug 9

Sometimes it seems like a struggling marriage is just so stuck, there’s no way back to a loving relationship. Is it even possible to overcome long standing habits and hurts? Can a couple battle back after the betrayal of infidelity?

Sue and Roy Milam, founders of Cornerstone Marriage & Family Ministries, have seen thousands of marriages healed over their almost three decades working with couples and leading A New Beginning intensive weekends.

“We seek to help couples restore and strengthen their marriages and build their marriages and families according to the timeless truths of Jesus Christ and the Bible, as well as the latest research on marital relationships today,” according to the website, https://marriageministry.org/.

“The intensive weekends are designed to get to the root of the problem to overcome hurt and pain and allow for a renewed, loving relationship.” Of the more than 3600 couples who have participated, many of whom were separated, had filed for divorce or were ready to give up, 87% of them recommitted to their marriage, according to their website.

When the Milams married in 1988 they realized if their relationship was going to succeed, they needed a firm foundation and skills. They read books on marriage and attended FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember, after which they followed up with FamilyLife’s HomeBuilders Couples Series. Sue and Roy started leading the study, eventually becoming FamilyLife’s volunteer coordinators for the greater Houston area – not a small responsibility.

Roy went back to school to pursue a master’s degree in counseling with the intention of offering life and work planning, Sue said. As their experience as mentors grew, their church asked if they would start working with couples trying to get their marriage back on track who couldn’t afford professional help. In 1995 they felt God calling them to work with couples full time, and they launched Cornerstone Marriage & Family Ministries. Ironically, troubled couples were their least favorite group with which to work at that time, Sue admitted. However, that all changed when they discovered the effectiveness of the intensive model. In 2000, Roy wrote curriculum gleaned from their experiences, biblical teaching from HomeBuilders and principles learned through Austin-based Intimate Encounters. The Milams launched their first marriage intensive weekend in 2002.

“We believed if we could get those with troubled marriages away for a weekend to focus on their marriage, they would make so much more progress than just meeting with them once a week,” Sue said. “Most couples come with lots of hurt and baggage. They don’t know how to communicate through the disappointment and upsets, how to resolve conflicts and put things in the past. The intensives were truly amazing from the first weekend.”

Now Cornerstone Marriage & Family Ministries primarily focuses on the intensive retreats. “It was apparent from the beginning this was what God really wanted us to do,” Sue added. Dealing with hurts from the past before moving forward with building marriage skills is a distinction of A New Beginning weekend. Things like communication and conflict resolution skills cannot be effective until the wall of hurt has been overcome and forgiveness extended, Sue explained. “They have to get out the toxic waste before they move forward. It’s not easy, it can be painful.”

A New Beginning’s format does not involve group therapy or exposing one’s struggles to other participants. Sue and Roy oversee the details while one of three experienced leaders presents the teaching. Participants listen to information then work on guided exercises or projects together to put what they’ve learned into practice. For example, in one of the first sessions they’ll hear about emotional needs then complete a project to identify and discuss theirs. Likewise, couples are taught how to share upset feelings then complete an exercise to practice the skill. Sue’s found that couples who come to A New Beginning are willing to stay the course and work through the exercises and projects.

One of the most important lessons couples are taught is empathy, a completely new concept for some. Each will compile a list of the most important ways they’ve been hurt in their marriage and express their deep pain to the other. They are taught to acknowledge the other’s feelings, put themselves in their mate’s shoes and feel their pain. Through validation, acknowledgment, understanding and empathy, those old hurts can be released and forgiven.

“No one ever teaches us what true biblical forgiveness looks like, what entering into someone else’s pain looks like, what empathy is,” Sue said. “Unless our parents were really good at it, how are we to learn? I don’t think people don’t want to communicate effectively; they just don’t know how.”

Saturday evening, the couples take everything they’ve been taught and complete a major restoration project with the help of a counselor or coach who consults with them privately. This includes each expressing hurts accumulated during their marriage while their spouse seeks to understand. The trained specialists are there to keep things on track, Sue said. “If you’ve never practiced listening to your mate with empathy, it’s not easy to shut down your defensiveness and put your feelings aside,” she said. “If your spouse expresses a hurt, and it triggers you, it is easy to fall back into old patterns. Coaches and counselors are there to guide.”

As the couples work through their most important hurts, something really shifts in their relationship. People feel heard and understood and start connecting emotionally – sometimes for the first time. Sue said others can tangibly see breakthroughs happen. Where a couple had before acted cold, uncaring, argumentative and defensive, they’ll relax, begin smiling and holding hands. “It’s like a wall has come down,” she said.

Once the couple is connected again, they can work on what a healthy marriage looks like and what they need to change. Does one of the spouses have anger or control issues? They’ll write out a plan that may include counseling, AA, and an accountability partner. Another exercise is to write a letter to their mate reminding them of all the reasons they fell in love with them in the first place. “Couples tend to lose the memory of what caused them to first fall in love,” Sue said. “They’ll re-bond and leave with a plan of action, including inviting God into the relationship.” A New Beginning’s curriculum emphasizes the importance of connecting spiritually. “Many who come may say they are Christian, but they don’t have God in their relationship,” Sue said. “We explain how important it is to pray, do devotions and go to church together.

“What really makes the difference is that couples now have tools. Before, they didn’t know what to do to work through an argument or upset. It’s all doable – but if we don’t have the tools, we don’t know how to do it,” Sue said.

“Many who come may say they are Christian, but they don’t have God in their relationship. We explain how important it is to pray, do devotions and go to church together. ”

— Sue Milam

One of Sue’s favorite success stories involves a couple married 30 years who were on the brink of divorce. In fact, the wife refused to complete the Saturday night working-through-the-hurts project, because she said, “there was no point.” She’d already decided to get a divorce, she was just waiting until the weekend was over to tell their adult children. Her unaddressed needs to be seen and appreciated by her husband had grown so intense, she had lost all hope. As the Milams worked with the couple personally, the husband fell to his knees sobbing in front of his wife. He told her he had looked at her list of hurts and agreed with her. At the end of the weekend, the wife said she was ready to give him a chance. The Milams followed up with them for years and watched the man completely change. “He became this most amazing husband,” Sue said. “He took everything to heart.” The wife told Sue, “I came with one husband, and I left with a different one. Things have never been the same.”

The Milams realize a marriage intensive weekend is just a starting point. It takes practice and reinforcement to create new habits to make love last and keep a marriage strong. While they previously offered personal follow-up sessions with intensive attendees, the number has grown too large to make that practical. A New Beginning intensives now are held in Colorado, Tampa and Ohio, as well as Dallas and Houston. To meet the need the Milams created an after-care package for couples to complete at home, which also works well for those who’ve participated in the online intensive, an option they added when the pandemic precluded attendance in person.

The MarriageBuilders Tool Kit can be purchased at their website and offers four audio podcasts with written exercises for couples to complete together. Topics include:

Establishing A Vision for Your Marriage

Reducing Conflict and Creating Harmony in Your Marriage

Vital Sign of a Healthy Marriage

Rediscovering the Joy of Sex, Love and Intimacy in Your Marriage

The MarriageBuilders Tool Kit, “maximizes your momentum going forward, and equips you with new skills, tools and habits,” according to the website.

Those seeking further help online can also access the site’s blog articles. One of their most popular has been the title, “How to Win your Wife Back.” Roy addressed this topic because he found it to be a consistent concern among men he counseled.

Roy offers 10 suggestions to help a husband whose wife has left. The important concept for a man to recognize is that his wife must be experiencing a level of extreme emotional pain to be willing to walk away from her marriage. Her pain has most probably been at least partially caused by his behavior.

First, Listen to and Validate Her Feelings.
Back Off and Give Her Some Space.
Keep It Light.
Be Honest with Yourself.
STOP ALL Negative Interactions.
Don't Talk About Change - Demonstrate It!
Don't "Love" Too Much.
Offer Some Support.
Get a Life Now.
At the "Right" Time, Talk with Her to Explore and Share About the Possibility of Getting Professional Help.

The article concludes with the offer of a free 30-minute phone consultation with one of Cornerstone Marriage & Family Ministries’ counselors to further explore if attending A New Beginning intensive weekend is something the wife feels she and her husband could benefit from. This opportunity may be inviting enough that a hurt wife would feel comfortable taking the first step toward exploring a possible reconciliation. Reconciliation, restoration, renewal. Words that describe the hope the Milams have been offering couples for almost three decades.