Robert Paul Explains How Intensives Save Marriages in Crisis and Counter Cultural Lies

Nov 10

The CDC recorded 630,505 divorces in the United States in 2020. Each figure represents a choice to dissolve a marriage experiencing crisis. But divorce doesn’t have to be the only answer. Where can people turn when their marriage is so broken it feels like there’s no hope? Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, offered by Focus on the Family, save marriages and redeem relationships. The program has served more than 10,000 couples from all 50 states and over 30 foreign countries for more than 23 years. Close to 1500 couples seek help each year from the Hope Restored program co-founded by marriage intensive movement pioneer, Robert Paul, M.S., LPC.

Bob’s a counselor, author, and public speaker as well as Vice President of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute. The team at the Marriage Institute has found that marriage intensives succeed where other methods fail. Couples that come to Hope Restored are typically in a serious relationship crisis, and after completing the 3-5-day intensive counseling experience, 81% of participants were still married two years later, as reported in ministry follow up.

Often these are couples who are so deeply entrenched in their pain they have already drawn up divorce papers. “We’ve heard, ‘If we don’t get a miracle by Thursday, we are signing the papers Friday,” Bob said. “We think, ‘Since we don’t do miracles, God, you better show up!’ And He does, week after week. The key to our success is we have learned how to identify the things obstructing God’s access to hearts and relationships. We’ll lend a hand to move those things aside, then watch the Holy Spirit move in,” Bob said. “He won’t hesitate to move into an open heart.”

Most Hope Restored attendees are experiencing extreme marital distress. They don’t need marriage enrichment or a weekend to rekindle romance: they need a relationship emergency room. More than 99% of the couples served last year, even those with challenging issues, indicated their counselor addressed their concerns. The same percentage said they would recommend Hope Restored. 92% of the couples say their financial investment was worth it. Eight in 10 avoided divorce.

What makes Hope Restored Marriage Intensives successful?

Bob and Dr. Gary Smalley created the intensive format from their research and experience working with couples. Hope Restored’s curriculum allows individuals to “get to the root of their issues quickly, with ample time to focus on resolution and growth. The extended amount of time spent within the Intensive setting gives couples the opportunity to go deeper without many of the distractions of daily life, and time to stay long enough to consider the solutions available to them,” according to the organization.

Couples choose from 3 or 5-day individual, or 4-day group sessions, which afford them 32 hours of counseling with two licensed professional counselors selected from a team of more than 60 therapists. For some, the intense time spent in these sessions can be like the marriage counseling a couple might complete if they committed to an entire year of 50-minute sessions one week at a time. With meals and lodging provided at one of the Hope Restored Marriage retreat centers in Missouri, Michigan or Georgia, a couple can dedicate focused, interrupted time to work on their relationship.

The unique, holistic, and scripturally based counseling approach combines the heart, the mind, and a couple’s faith and has proven amazingly effective, according to the ministry. While Hope Restored is based on Christian principles, which are evident throughout, people of all faiths are welcome. The only thing potential clients must answer yes to is just one question: If God were to work a miracle in your marriage, would you be willing to accept it?

“One of the keys to what makes us so successful: We know who the healer is,” Bob said.
“We do everything we can to help couples get out of their own way to pave the way for a direct intervention of the Lord.” After a couple completes an intensive, they receive after-care coaching, a 15-week follow-up curriculum, and access to the many rich marriage resources available at Focus on the Family to help keep their relationship moving forward on the right track.

Several concepts have emerged in the decades of counseling crisis couples. Bob identified a reactive cycle that underlies marital conflict. “It’s a predictable pattern,” he said. “The cycle itself is exactly the same for everyone, but the details are different to reflect the unique individuals. In therapy we help couples identify their version of it. We’ll write it on a poster board on the wall.” Once a couple sees their pattern and how the enemy uses it, the trained professionals help them practice new ways of interacting.

Other observations led to material that became the basis of Bob and Dr. Greg Smalley’s 2020 book, 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage – and the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free.

“Lies about marriage are rampant in our culture and the church. They’re killing marriages. But the corresponding truths can strengthen marriages and even help save the most troubled relationships. … Marriage experts Greg Smalley and Robert Paul identify the lies, explain how they work to destroy marriages, and reveal the truths that not only can improve marriages, but rescue those that are floundering,” according to the website.

“Common lies people believe about marriage are taught by our culture, through the media and even by well-meaning people in the church – but they set us up for frustration,” Bob said. For example – the Unity candle commonly used in wedding ceremonies, which Bob greatly dislikes. It falls in the category of one of the book’s example lies, 1+1=1, which sets people up to see their God-given differences as a problem to overcome. Likewise, he challenges the notion that many feelings are unreliable and should not be trusted.

“All feelings were created by God and actually form the substance of intimate connection, which is always heart-to- heart. Feelings are designed as raw data meant to inform our head as we make decisions,” he said. “Good rational decisions can be made without being informed by our heart. Unfortunately, many of them are heartless.”

“The problems we see weakening and destroying marriages are often common and predictable,” he wrote in the book. “We grow up learning lies about love and relationships. Then we put these love lies into practice in our marriages, which prevents us from experiencing the wonder and beauty of real love. Why would people build a marriage on a foundation of attractive but destructive lies instead of building on the solid foundation of God’s loving truth? These lies are taught as truth and can be very subtle; sometimes they’re even partially true. The problem is, they result in relational strategies that cannot actually work—and we don’t realize it.”

The Nine Lies:

And they lived happily ever after….

1 + 1 = 1

All You Need is Love

I Must Sacrifice Who I Am for the Sake of My Marriage

You Must Meet Each Other’s Needs

Our Differences are Irreconcilable

I’m Gonna Make You Love Me

“Your Love is Driving me Crazy!”

You Win Some, You Lose Some

From chapter one, “Unmet expectations for continued happiness in marriage are actually one of the greatest causes of marital disappointment.”

He added, “But unfortunately, once happiness becomes the main goal of marriage, all the normal ups and downs and challenges of life can pose serious dangers to the relationship. And in some cases, marital unhappiness becomes a potential justification for emotional distance, affairs, or divorce.

“We grow up learning lies about love and relationships. Then we put these love lies into practice in our marriages, which prevents us from experiencing the wonder and beauty of real love. Why would people build a marriage on a foundation of attractive but destructive lies instead of building on the solid foundation of God’s loving truth?”

— Robert Paul

“When things go south in our marriages, when they don’t live up to our hopes and expectations, or when there are periods of dissatisfaction, the commitment to stay together becomes strained, and people often say things like: ‘This isn’t what I had in mind.’ ‘I’ve fallen out of love with my partner.’ ‘I didn’t sign up for this.’ ‘There’s something wrong with my spouse.’ ‘We’ve grown apart.’ ‘This is just too hard and painful.’ ‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’”

9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage includes several self-tests to help people assess the extent to which their marriage has been affected by each of the nine lies. The book unpacks some of the techniques and tools to change thinking and build marriages based on God’s wisdom.

One common trouble area is conflict: “Who is the enemy in your marriage? The second you square up as adversaries – Satan has you,” Bob said. “Marriage, by God’s design, is a team sport. There’s no such thing as a win/lose marriage. You are on the same team — you both win, or you both lose.”

Instead of happily ever after, think of your spouse as a journeying partner with whom you’ll travel through life come what may – learning and growing together. The book casts vision for seeing God’s higher purposes for marriage.

“We’re also talking about marriages that understand God’s activity in this world and intentionally join in to make a difference in the world and in those around them. These are the marriages that demonstrate what is really possible with God—in part, by being deeply satisfying and full of joy, but also being connected to a greater purpose. We see this as intimate friendship at its best. Now that’s something to be happy about, and studies show working on building a deeper friendship with your spouse can be one of life’s greatest sources of happiness. And this growing friendship can transform your marriage into one of deep satisfaction and meaningful purpose, even when encountering the challenges that precede every accomplishment and every victory,” he wrote in 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage.

Ministry History

As a young man, Bob led a life apart from Christ until meeting his wife of now-42 years, Jenni. Her faithful witness and prayer, coupled with a profound encounter with Christ, inspired him to accept the Lord as savior and begin a powerful spiritual journey. After almost a decade working in the financial sector, Bob, partially influenced by the work of his father and stepmother who were prominent secular marriage and family counselors in California, felt compelled to earn advanced psychology, Bible and counseling degrees and begin working with troubled couples. He was teaching in Biblical Studies and Psychology at Evangel University in Springfield, Missouri, when he became acquainted with the venerable Dr. Gary Smalley, author of Hidden Keys to a Lasting Relationship, who lived nearby in Branson. Erin Smalley, Gary’s daughter-in-law, became one of Bob’s graduate students and through that connection Bob learned that Greg Smalley was starting a clinic adjacent to his father’s ministry.

Greg felt that Bob would be a good fit to help him build this new clinic and even help address an ongoing need in his dad’s ministry. For years, people would call the center after hearing Gary speak, watching one of his videos or reading one of his books. They loved what they heard but couldn’t figure out how to successfully put the ideas into practice in their marriage. They’d call from all over the country, but there was no one at the Smalley Relationship Center that had the training or the time to be able to offer one-on-one help.

Following the Lord’s leading in 1999, Bob and Greg began to design a program that would help them say yes to the couples in crisis clamoring for help. Their team began to grow, and the program was very effective. Based on all they were learning, Bob published The DNA of Relationships with Gary and Greg Smalley in 2003, followed by The DNA of Relationships for Couples with Greg, both of which helped spread the word and enabled many more hurting couples to find hope.

The Smalley Center eventually became the National Institute of Marriage, adding Mark Pyatt as Vice President in charge of operations. Greg took over Focus on the Family’s Marriage arm in 2011, leaving Mark and Bob to lead the Institute as co-presidents. In 2013 Focus realized while they had much to offer in areas of marriage preparation and strengthening, their resources for those in crisis were lacking. In 2014, The National Institute of Marriage merged with Focus on the Family. Now the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute has one of the highest success rates in their work with couples in crisis.

“We’re growing all the time,” Bob said. “Friends and colleagues have been amazed to watch this model emerge. We currently have locations in Missouri, Georgia and Michigan. We are building a new property in Arizona and soon hope to come to Texas and the Northeast. We plan to be a five-hour drive from virtually anywhere in the U.S. The Marriage Institute has even branched into Canada.

Bob’s projects include a new book coming out next year that will share their Focus Marital Therapy model with other professionals, pastors and lay counselors. In 2024 he’ll release Empowered to Love, a book about self-care and personal responsibility that will help people bring their best selves to their marriage and God’s Kingdom. “I want to continue to help people live life to the full,” Bob added.

Connect with Hope Restored and its resources at https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/