Jonathan Daugherty’s Be Broken Sexual Integrity Ministry Heals, Restores Marriages, Connects Families

Dec 22

Brokenness thrives in a sin-sick world. We see marriages fall apart due to infidelity or addictions to sex or pornography. Who steps in to help people heal from these hard problems? Who can be trusted to understand such personal pain and shame?

Be Broken Ministries, founded by Jonathan Daugherty 20 years ago, effectively addresses these very issues with kindness, skill, and the power of the God’s redeeming grace. The organization was born out of Jonathan’s desire to help men, women and families directly impacted by sexual brokenness heal, recover and grow.

A typical person might find Be Broken through the website or after listening to one of Jonathan’s weekly Pure Sex Radio programs. When a couple reaches out, they usually are “completely in crisis mode,” Jonathan said. “The story of sexual brokenness has blown up in some way. There are feelings of hurt and desperation on both sides. There’s a lot of pain and fear. Often, many of the feelings are the same, just from the opposite side of the coin. The husband’s afraid of doing it again; His wife is also afraid he’s going to do it again.

“We’ll get them the individual help they need –help the husband learn to become and live as a man of sexual integrity and communicate his journey to his wife. Help his wife understand his sexual brokenness was not her fault and get her on her own journey dealing with the trauma. Couples find restoration,” he added. “They start to operate from a new vantage point of honesty, transparency and openness.”

Jonathan is intimately familiar with the struggle. Be Broken Ministries is built on the principles that saved his now 27-year marriage when it hovered at the point of destruction due to his own sexual addiction. He recounts he began viewing pornography when he was 12 years old. Despite maintaining a Christian façade, his secret kept growing. He hoped marriage would solve the problem, but as for so many others, it did not, and he was unfaithful multiple times. His wife, Elaine, left to protect herself from more harm, which was the catalyst for him to get into recovery. That was 23 years ago, and by God’s grace and supernatural intervention, the couple reconciled. In 2003, God called Jonathan into full-time ministry with the words, “Tell Your Story.”

Now Jonathan and the Be Broken team help others find their paths toward life-change and sexual integrity. He’s learned authentic testimonies from people who have traveled the journey and been successfully restored inspire those seeking help and build trust. Jonathan opens each of the men’s Gateway to Freedom three-day retreats with a leader sharing his story.

“Stories are the strongest bridge that can be built to someone who needs help with sexual addiction or stronghold,” he said. “They need to hear from someone who relates to their pain and know that person is going to identify with where they are. Once the guys that lead the weekend tell our stories, it sets the tone. Participants know they are in the right place because we went first, they know we get it and that they can trust us. We’ve served hundred and thousands of people by sharing our stories first and giving them the confidence to share theirs.”

When men come to the Gateway to Freedom retreat, they are initially nervous. “Every guy that comes has made a choice – there’s something in him that wants to be there. Not every guy is motivated to change, but he’s motivated to do the weekend,” Jonathan said.

The foundation of Be Broken is a grace-based approach that emphasizes heart change to drive recovery rather than concentrating on outward behavior. “The real engine of true transformation is not performance, it is grace. We want true, real-life transformation that only comes through the grace of God,” Jonathan said.

“We help a guy connect the dots in his story. He’s been keeping secrets in the dark that we’ll help him unpack in a safe, grace-based environment. If he talked about any of these things before, he probably experienced massive pushback or shame,” Jonathan said. “Here, hope is born that he’s not permanently damaged, not irredeemable. They can see their lives built on a different foundation than just the behavior model. Behavior is not what gives value. Worth and value are determined by God at the cross with Jesus. Now they have confidence they can do all this hard work, because God has already said they have value instead of all the other lies and false identities a guy can lean on. We get to the root of the issue, not just the behavior that’s the symptom.”

Jonathan sees much transformation. A typical response might be, “I was scared coming here – I didn’t know what to expect. I thought I’d see a bunch of weird perverts, but these are guys who look like me, sound like me, I have a whole renewed sense of hope. Life doesn’t have to go around in the same circles.” Participants learn that even if all their circumstances don’t work out, they still have hope for their lives working out,” Jonathan said.

Be Broken Ministries has seen many whose marriages are now thriving. “The vast majority truly do want to change. They fear and doubt whether that’s possible,” Jonathan said. “This isn’t their first attempt to quit their porn addiction. Christian men feel an additional shame. We teach them everybody learns through failure. Even Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times before he created the light bulb!”

Be Broken Ministries intentionally makes it easy to connect. Not everyone is ready to commit to a three-day retreat initially. The website includes a 45-minute webinar for those who want to learn a little about their approach. This free resource gives men clear principles for living a life of sexual integrity and practical steps to take on a healing journey. Introductory webinars help people take the first step with no obligation, and no commitment, Jonathan said.

“Worth and value are determined by God at the cross with Jesus. Now they have confidence they can do all this hard work, because God has already said they have value instead of all the other lies and false identities a guy can lean on.”

— Jonathan Daugherty

“We recognize we’re dealing with private and difficult-to-talk about conversations. The webinars help us build trust as people see what kind of information we offer, meet the staff, and are invited into the deeper resources as they feel they can trust us.”

The 40-day private online course for men is an extremely popular, safe and simple next way to dip a toe into the transformation journey, Jonathan said. Men desiring more can join an eight-week Grace-Based study group or decide on the Gateway to Freedom retreat. Both are based on the key principles of recovery outlined in Jonathan’s Grace-Based Recovery book and help men understand and apply principles of sexual integrity in daily life to live free from unwanted sexual strongholds. Grace-Based Recovery, along with Jonathan’s podcast, blog and other books, Secrets, Understanding Shame and The 4 Pillars of Purity are available at Bebroken.org.

For Women

While the ministry began by helping men on their journey toward sexual integrity, Jonathan quickly realized that behind every broken man is a woman dealing with the trauma of sexual betrayal. Be Broken Ministries created a wives’ care program to help women navigate their own journeys of healing.

“By God’s design the sexual relationship is the most intimate bond a man and woman can experience,” Jonathan said. “To be betrayed sexually is definitely a trauma.” Experienced, credentialed professionals lead small groups of women who give hope and encouragement to each other.

“There is incredible power and synergy among women who have experienced that pain,” Jonathan said. “100% of our wives’ care leaders have come through the program. Nobody is transformed or healed apart from community. You need peers who are where you are in the journey taking the same step, along with leaders providing vision and hope. Victory is achievable.” As with the men, a free, introductory Wives’ Care Basics webinar is available, as well as a six-week online wives’ care group and course.

The problem: Sexual Brokenness

Jonathan defines sexual brokenness as every kind of way God’s design for sex can be distorted, twisted, or broken. “Pornography is a distortion of the way God has designed us to engage sexually. Addiction is a compulsive behavior in how someone satisfies their desires. There’s abuse, and everything that’s going on in the world of LGBTQ confusion, how someone manages their sexual orientation or understanding of gender, including a false or incomplete understanding of God’s design for sex and how it is to be connected with the Gospel,” he said.

“God had made this beautiful design that is written all the way down into our sexuality. God showed us He wants the matter of sex to be in the context of marriage as depicted in the first union of man and woman together in a unique, exclusive bond. All of us are called to glorify God with our lives and how we steward our sexuality. There are a lot of people who are married who don’t hold themselves to a standard of holiness – married men who think they can engage in every kind of act with their wives because they are married. Selfish, self-centered, abusive sex is not holy.”

“The real engine of true transformation is not performance, it is grace. We want true, real-life transformation that only comes through the grace of God.”

— Jonathan Daugherty

Jonathan also cites examples of incorrect teaching found in the purity culture. While it’s true the idea of God reserving sex for marriage is biblical, the “promise” that if you saved yourself for marriage, sex was going to be great, is not. Many realized after marriage that what they had waited for didn’t seem to live up to their expectations. And where did that leave those who were raped, or who didn’t wait? Were they doomed to have second class relationships? None of these constructs embrace the idea of God’s design of a mutually caring and self-sacrificial union.

A better way to counter wrong information and a toxic culture is to work upstream, guarding against problems before they start. As Be Broken continued its work, the need to support families become apparent.

Jonathan, himself the father of three, said parents should assume their children have been exposed to pornography by the age of 13. How can parents engage with their kids around this uncomfortable topic and reinforce an elevated definition of God’s design for sexuality? Be Broken Ministries’ website includes resources created by partner John Fort to help parents have key conversations with their kids, including Christian Sex Education Online Courses found at purelifeacademy.org and the recently launched Critical Conversations webinar.

“We are trying to help parents build bonds so their kids feel safe enough to have those conversations,” Jonathan said. “The most critical thing we can do for children growing up is to develop safe relationships — help them realize their parents are trusted people in their lives. Parents have not always done that work to help their children understand how to regulate emotions and talk about feelings.

“In the pre-teen and teen years, all feelings have the potential of being translated through their budding sexuality,” he added. “Far and away the most important factor whether kids navigate successfully through those teenage years is how well they feel they can talk with their parents about their feelings.”

To help parents bridge this gap, Be Broken Ministries recently introduced Honest Talk – the game, based on John Fort’s Honest Talk book. The card game is based on conversational elements from the book. More than just talking point flash cards – the game also introduces an element of competition. A scoring system is based on assigning points to questions in the areas of feelings, get to know me, family brainstorm and sex. The more vulnerable the question, the higher the points. Kids are willing to risk talking about the more “loaded” topics because those cards are more heavily weighted and allow them to win, Jonathan said, noting that test group kids responded favorably. “As this becomes kids’ favorite game, we hope it will inspire conversations parents know they need to talk about but haven’t had the courage.”

Another resource is the book, Identity, designed for those in their teens and 20s. It asks the questions: What foundation are you building your life on? Do you understand where your identity originated? What does it mean to have your identity in Christ? The content is meant to inspire dialogue and points to the firm foundation found in Christ.

Whether you are a man needing to overcome a pornography addiction or other unwanted sexual behavior, a wife healing from betrayal trauma, or a family looking for resources to inspire God-centered sexuality, find the help you need at Be Broken Ministries.