What would inspire a single person to read a book about marriage when they are not even dating anyone? How about because it’s a gift from their mother? Pleasing his mother motivated author and speaker Michael Johnson to crack open a “marriage book” Christmas break his junior year of college – little imagining its future impact. What he found inside opened his eyes to common marriage pitfalls and became a treasure, not just for him and his future family, but for the thousands influenced by his ministry where he and his wife, Julie, help singles transform their dating practices.  

A month after reading his mom’s gift, Michael had assimilated the information and began dating Julie, to whom he’s been married for 29 years. In 2003, after 10 years of marriage, the couple felt the Lord calling them to re-visit that original book and apply its truths to the current dating generation. Through their work at Future Marriage University (FMU), they hope to change the mind of the culture about the biblical purpose, meaning and significance of marriage. Michael refers to a recent survey that showed 95% of high school students say they expect to be married. Yet, 27% of millennials and only 17% of those in their 20s are married. “There’s no clear pattern for marriage anymore. We’re in a cultural train wreck,” he said. 

The Johnsons passionately share their message with students and young adults through their FMU webpage, www.f-u-m.com, where they’ve posted 450 blogs and 250 short videos to pique interest. Their content addresses issues relevant today, including Hot Topics pages that support living free from porn and understanding one’s sexuality. They also speak to groups in person through local LoveEd classes or speaking engagements at Christian Universities and churches.  Their tone is humorous, light and on-trend for the audience, disguising the nuggets of wisdom hidden within their content. Their fun mascot Foomu is a “crown frog” a clever nod to the adage about kissing frogs before finding a prince. They’ve even been known to surprise speaking audiences with a kissing booth featuring a live frog. 

Stated aptly by friend Ami Sauer, “MJ’s humor and style trick you into thinking you’re eating chips instead of vegetables! Like, ‘I’m having fun reading this, so how can this possibly be good for me?’”

Despite casual language designed to appeal to Gen Z, the Johnsons are serious about their message. Their goal is to “empower the wise individual to discern God’s calling in marriage and start preparing for relational success when it counts – before they fall in love.” The best time to consider what they define as “a life-giving, lifelong marriage that blesses the world” is prior to being connected to a special someone. BEFORE the love chemicals flood the brain (which inhibits clear thinking), and BEFORE there’s a relationship to defend (which persuades people to ignore wise counsel.)

“Would you like to avoid heartbreak, rejection and regret? Or beyond avoiding bad things, would you like to truly succeed in your dating life? and by ‘succeed,’ I don’t just mean eventually get married, but do so with great memories to look back on and an amazing future to look forward to?” he asks in his recently released Date Like You Know What You’re Doing. 

“You simply cannot expect to wing it in your dating life, with no plan and no prudence, and then magically end up in a life-giving, lifelong marriage…. If you’re currently dating, you should be preparing for the goal you hope your dating life will lead to,” he wrote. 

The Johnsons cast vision for dating, challenge students to assess their motives and list top 10 dumbest reasons to date. “They (young adults and adolescents) are not really thinking long-term,” Michael said. “About half come from divorced families, others live in homes where their parents are not very happily married. Many young people in the church merely see marriage The church has taught the picture of marriage as the gateway to guilt free sex. We want them to think bigger.”

Michael lists feminism and pornography as two major forces keeping so many people from marriage. He believes the sex drive was supposed to be “the calling card that said, ‘Hey, you need to ready for marriage.’ Now, you don’t even need a person, you just need a phone and your imagination.” He noted men’s focus on career was a killer of marriages in the past. “Now, ironically, women are following the lead of men in the area of career.” 

Date Like You Know What You’re Doing expands on the Johnsons’ blog and speaking material. Michael based the first section of the book on material from, “Friends Don’t Let Friends Date Dumb” that he’s presented to college students across the country. The second part of the book provides what he calls an “intentional approach to dating.” This well-reasoned alternative to common practices defines the goal and purpose of dating. Chapters include video links and downloadable discussion questions to aid groups in its use.

One of their guiding principles: date with the goal of friendship. What FMU calls, Friends-First Dating, defined as: “Intentional time invested in one other person for the purpose of growing a friendship that might lead to a life-giving, lifelong marriage.”

“So instead of romance, make relational intimacy the goal of your dating life, because determining whether or not you can establish and grow a meaningful friendship with the person you’re dating should be the point of going out with them in the first place. While relationships which begin as romances can dissolve as quickly as commenced, a romance that grows out of a genuine friendship is far more likely to last because it’s built on mutual trust, respect, and compatibility,” Michael wrote.

“Friends-First Dating is antithetical to the way our culture does things,” Michael said. “I fell in like with a girl, and we had a real meaningful friendship for two-and-one-half years before we started dating. We’re trying to get people to replicate that accident on purpose. Date to build a friendship and focus on how strong, meaningful and natural it is. Do you enjoy being with them? Share things in common? Appreciate differences? Know about their relationship with their dad? You’ll have some idea about marrying into their family and not be blindsided.”

Dating with the purpose of friendship alleviates another dating problem: the pressure for each date to reveal “the one,” which ascribes too much importance to each date as potential partner — often seen on college campuses as the “ring by spring” craze.

“When the purpose of dating is friendship, then the persistent question isn’t, ‘Are we going to get married?’ The persistent question is, ‘Are we growing a great friendship?’ The question you’re trying to answer doesn’t require predicting the future of your relationship but gauging the present state of it,” he wrote. 

The Johnsons advise couples to have “Define the Person (DTP)” talks that cover 10 crucial areas a person should know about someone before seriously considering dating. “Is your friendship growing stronger or frustrating? Is it healthy, whole and progressing? Is the person truthful with you? You want to base your dating relationship on facts you know about the other person, instead of just feelings you have for them,” Michael said. 

Date Like You Know What You’re Doing does presuppose a Christian audience member who desires to obey and please God and who feels called to eventually marry. (Or a student’s mother, who, like Michael’s, will likely be the conduit to get the material to their son or daughter.) Well-written and easy to read, the book is biblically based, with many scripture references, and includes a strong appeal for sexual purity. Michael agreed that their target is those within the church. 

“If we can’t change the mind of the conservative Christian high school/college student, we never will change the mind of the worldly guy,” he said. 

“I do believe sex is made for marriage,” Michael said, “but marriage is so much more than sex.” Those who can’t quite agree with the purity message or young adults who’ve been through the relationship wringer can still benefit from the encouragement and vision casting for better future choices. The “Dating Don’t” examples ring true no matter what age or stage of belief or relationship history. 

Limerence

The book discusses the scientific finding of limerence — the intense feeling of being madly “in love,” which can cause people to believe many things that aren’t true and explains why those who are “in love” can make such poor choices. 

“Believing those lies gives full control of your dating life over to your feelings, as it denies any control to your brain,” Michael wrote. “You will ignore red flags, rush the relationship, and make increasingly imprudent choices as you ignore and even resent the advice of those who know you best and love you most.” Limerence feelings are temporary — scientists have found the neurochemistry lasts six months to two years — but consequences of decisions made under its influence can last a lifetime. Michael counters with strategies on how to make wiser choices when in its throes. 

Flipping the Switch

Date Like You Know What You’re Doing also delves into a topic that’s rarely discussed: how many Christian couples who were influenced by the purity culture find sex in marriage less exciting than they had imagined. 

“The sad reality is that most Christian dating couples who do manage to maintain sexual purity, despite spending countless hours alone together, wind up feeling like all their self-control is rewarded with incredible frustration in their marital sex life. (Not exactly the reward they were looking for.) The common phrase

you’ll hear is that they aren’t able to ‘flip the switch’ after the wedding. Once they can finally say ‘YES’ to sex, their bodies still seem set on saying, ‘NO!’” he wrote. 

“After conditioning their minds to disassociate from their feelings when aroused by the person they planned to marry, they somehow expect that switch to be easy to flip back to the ‘sexual arousal is natural’ setting when they can finally enjoy sex, sans guilt. However, it turns out it isn’t easy. 

“Remember, when two frisky love kittens are alone together, it is only natural for stuff to happen! Which means consistently resisting or suppressing sexual desire requires that you essentially reprogram your sex drive.” 

Michael provides a fresh approach to safeguarding sexual purity that will please God and reduce some of the struggles that end up causing problems after marriage. 

“If you will stick to this one single sex boundary – keep your dating life out in the open – you won’t have to reprogram your sex drive. Treat sexual arousal like it’s only natural between two lovers who want to be married, and date accordingly,” he writes. “The secret to whoops-proofing your dating life: When you date, don’t isolate.” 

Help your student or young adult navigate the culture’s murky dating waters and prepare for their future marriage the way they would for a successful career— intelligently, intentionally and in advance. Send your son or daughter to FMUniversity.net, or, like Michael’s mom, buy them a book. Date Like You Know What You are Doing is available on their website and Amazon. 

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