Opposites attract. Chances are you and your spouse glossed over a few differences when you were dating. But after several years of marriage, what once seemed innocuous or interesting now has become a source of conflict. Any one of dozens of mismatches can become an irritant that threatens to steal the joy from a marriage. Don’t let an area of incompatibility spark discord yet again. Chances are some things probably aren’t able to be completely fixed. That’s ok, says Eric Wooten, President and Co-Founder of Altared Marriage, an organization dedicated to strengthening relationships. Instead of striving for complete resolution, aim to close the gap to a level both spouses can live with. 

For example, suppose a wife is a strong extrovert, while her introverted husband looks forward to recharging in solitude at the end of the day. When the weekend rolls around, she’s ready for them to get together with friends or throw a party. All he wants to do is relax with his television remote. It won’t take too long before one or both spouses end up feeling frustrated and unhappy as their partner misses their needs. Instead of blaming, shaming or trying to change the other, Eric recommends spouses talk through the situation and agree to manage the gap. The husband can agree to an occasional evening out; his wife can supplement her social opportunities in appropriate ways like joining a ladies’ Bible study or exercise class instead of expecting her husband to fulfill all her needs. 

This suggestion is just one of the ideas to help form stronger marriages Eric offers through the Altared Marriage ministry. A former couples and counseling pastor, he published The Magnetic Marriage: 8 Characteristics of Irresistible Marriages in 2019 and recently released the book Relationshots: A Practical Guide to Relationship Success. Marriage champions, coaches and couples can find inspiration, practical tools and community at https://www.altaredmarriage.com/.

In 2005 Eric felt God calling him into ministry and began pastoring churches in the Houston and Dallas areas. He had a passion to help others do marriage well, he said, but he didn’t know how to start a marriage ministry. He and his wife of 28 years, Jill, were the “couple who always had people over, led small groups, and were involved in people’s lives,” he said. Just shy of their 10-year anniversary, the need to work through a cataclysmic experience in their own marriage fueled their desire to help others avoid the same pitfalls, he said. Eric obtained a Master’s of Marriage & Family Counseling degree from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and became a Licensed Professional Counselor. In spring of 2020, he left his position pastoring a church outside of Dallas to launch Altared Marriage. 

Eric chose the name, Altared Marriage, to remind people of the vows they took at the altar, which also connotes a place of sacrifice, service and giving. “Most couples show up on their wedding day focused on what they are getting,” he said, “but they need to think about the things they need to die to and sacrifice.” Marriage should be focused more on what you can give than what you can get. 

While he had planned to launch the fledging ministry through speaking events based on content from Magnetic Marriage, inadvertently starting at the advent of the pandemic caused Eric and Jill to immediately shift online. While Eric serves as the public face of Altared Marriage, Jill heads up marketing and social media for the organization and works with Eric to counsel couples one-on-one. 

In the beginning, the Wootens created content every week for the ministry’s YouTube channel and counseled via Zoom. They created an online, four-week marriage class with live teaching, small group discussions, and Q & A via Zoom. Altared Marriage also started a marriage membership community where people can get together online to support each other either as couples or separately as just husbands or wives. 

“I believe the number one key to marriage success is community,” Eric emphasized. 

The Altared Marriage Membership community gives couples unlimited access to a growing library of relationship videos on relevant marriage topics. Interactive worksheets accompany each video, giving couples a chance to put into practice what they’ve learned. The membership also offers live zoom experiences throughout the month including relationship Q&A with Eric and other experts and designated ladies’ and men’s nights as well as monthly challenges in areas of goal setting, intimacy and appreciation. 

Many join looking for community when they have experienced a pain point and need support. “The membership gives them an opportunity to connect and be there for each other,” Eric said, noting the feedback has been great. 

Returning to Eric’s idea of closing a conflict gap, he’s found people consistently struggle when they attempt to resolve differences that may never have a solution. 

“When you get married, you sign up for a set of unresolvable issues. Sleep patterns, need for closeness vs independence, differences in organization, finances, sex. You can get divorced, but you’ll just sign up for new problems,” he said. “People spend unnecessary energy trying to find some perfect meet in the middle solution. Instead, figure out how you can manage the differences and reduce the conflict between you. There are so many simple, practical little things that can be done in a relationship that can save us so much grief and pain, but we don’t do them,” he said. 

Eric’s new book, Relationshots: A Practical Guide to Relationship Success, includes 52 short chapters that address one concept to improve some relationship area. Each chapter includes discussion questions and a QR code that connects to a YouTube video Eric recorded that explores the area further. 

“I wanted to give couples a guide they could start applying,” he said. The book offers, “lots of practical little hacks couples can do to close those gaps where they have been fighting,” he said. He suggests several ways couples can use the book to maximize its benefit. With 52 chapters, it makes sense to read one weekly and use the discussion questions to talk, evaluate and develop actions steps. Others might want to dive deeper into an area. Eric suggests tackling one concept a month, taking time weekly to evaluate progress. Couples can proceed sequentially or pick topics that are of most interest.  

You’ve heard the saying, “The grass is greener where you water it.” Eric takes that idea a step further in his marriage philosophy, which he describes as a lifelong process of feeding and weeding. Just like tending to a plant, feeding your marriage means doing things that provide for and protect the relationship, like building connection, developing friendship and making the time together enjoyable. Weeding means removing things that cause disconnection and conflict. 

“It’s an ongoing process,” he said, “and sometimes you need counseling to help you get out the weeds. But you need to be intentional about the good stuff, too.” 

Relationshots’ first chapter addresses “Three Secrets of Successful Marriage: Intentionality, Personal Responsibility, and Community.” 

“Marriages rise and fall on our intentionality,” he said. “It’s more important than chemistry. If things are not happening organically, we need to get out our calendars and schedule time to do things that are enjoyable rather than being lazy. If you don’t, it won’t happen.” 

Personal Responsibility means taking care of our own mental, emotional and physical health – doing the work to heal from past wounds and childhood issues and grow personally. He notes in the chapter, “Is Your Baggage Impacting Your Relationship” that unresolved wounds, when triggered, can spark behavior that surprisingly trumps priorities, beliefs and even theology, and can be very destructive to a relationship.

He’s seen couples divorce because their relational struggles are driven by personal issues. “One or both of them were unwilling or unable to overcome and heal from past personal wounds that were preventing them from relating in the marriage in a healthy way. Childhood wounds, past relational trauma, addictive behaviors and personal issues were creating toxic and dysfunctional behaviors in the marriage,” he wrote. 

That’s one reason he advocates for being in community (and why Altared Marriage stresses their membership as well as building community among couples who attend their getaway retreats.) There are times in your marriage when your spouse will not be your greatest cheerleader. “Community provides that outside support when you are stuck and think of giving up,” he said. 

The ministry also offers a free, short E-book that addresses four areas of intimacy based on Willard Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs. Pillow Talk: Ten Minutes a Day to Greater Intimacy in Your Relationship is available at AltaredMarriage.com. This resource offers practical application of sound principles to help couples intentionally plan how to connect. 

Exotic Getaway

The Altared Marriage Experience is for those who enjoy the idea of combining marriage enrichment with adventure in an exotic setting. Eric and Jill joke on their site that their bags are always half packed for a getaway. The Experience is an exclusive gathering for eight-10 married couples to recharge, refresh and reconnect. 

“Couples can expect to gain practical tools for their marriage, experience deeper connection and leave with a blueprint for continued growth in their relationship,” according to the website. Participants stay five days/four nights at an all-inclusive resort. In addition to plenty of time for relaxation and fun, they’ll attend group sessions with Eric, Jill (and other experts depending on experience) learning how to build intimacy, break unhealthy cycles, strengthen communication, and reduce conflict.  

“Our goal is to take a group every quarter,” Eric said. Being away removes distractions and allows more and better work to be done, he said. Another benefit, attendees form relationships and develop a supportive community with the others. 

As marriage champions, you’ll meet people in all stages of marriage. Some may need the strengthening tools found in Relationshots or the support of an online community of likeminded individuals. Others might need a referral to a Texas counselor like Eric who can help them via videoconference. Or maybe you are ready to plunge into a vacation getaway where you can recharge your marriage to share what you’ve learned with others. You can find biblically sound, practical tools at AltaredMarriage.com.

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