10 Great Dates / David & Claudia Arp’s Marriage Ministry Shares the Universal Appeal of Dating

Jun 8

Who doesn’t want to go on a great date? What is it about the thought of a date that puts a twinkle in someone’s eye? Is it the anticipation of fun, connection, something to look forward to instead of the stress of the world? While the concept of a married couple’s “Date Night” has grown in popularity – even inspiring a movie by the same name, David Arp, MSW and his wife, Claudia, had the idea of dating one’s spouse long before it became “a thing.” The two published their first book, 10 Dates for Mates, in the early 1980s, which launched their decades-long career providing resources and training to help marriages and families grow and thrive.

Now titled 10 Great Dates, the Arps’ book offers a fun pathway for couples to strengthen their relationship. Its catchy title – a dating theme rather than “marriage help” – appeals to a couple’s sense of romance and fun. “10 Great Dates doesn’t come across as a marriage course,” David said, so “Guys will think, ‘How much trouble can I get in on a date?’ Research has shown the men are into it by the third date. They want to get to Date Six,” (which addresses physical intimacy) David joked.

“One of things we tell everybody is that fun in marriage is serious business. We’ve never met anyone on the way to divorce court who is having fun in their marriage,” Claudia added.

The Arps were on mission with Cru in Austria for five years developing curriculum for German speaking and Eastern European countries for use with churches, small groups, and individual couples. While brainstorming how to reach more couples, they came up with the concept of disguising teaching biblical skills through 10 fun dates. So, in the early 1980s when an acquaintance asked them to counsel a couple whose marriage was struggling, here was the opportunity to field test their dating concept. At their first meeting, “You could cut the tension with a knife,” David said. They started getting the couple talking about how they met (an idea that’s incorporated into Date One today) and noticed the tension going down a notch. After each coaching session, the couple would go on a date and talk about the concept the Arps suggested. David and Claudia worked mightily to fine tune the date’s content to stay one week ahead. The couple went on all the 10 Great Dates, Dave reported, and were able to restore their relationship. Even years later, they were still doing well.

That preparation became what’s now known as 10 Great Dates. The Gold Medallion finalist winning book has been continuously in print for the past 40 years and translated into other languages including Spanish, Korean, German, Russian, and currently is being published in Polish. It's easy-to-read content transcends time. Illustrations and applications were updated just a few years ago, so 10 Great Dates reads as fresh today as it did when originally published in 1983. The 10 Great Dates brand of resources has developed into a low-key, fun, male-friendly, yet skilled-based program that appeals to couples in any setting. It includes books, video programs and seminars and has been used across the country and internationally, both by couples and through church and community sponsored programs, as well as by the military. 10 Great Dates received the Smart Marriages Impact Award and has been researched by the University of Tennessee. According to other research conducted around the country, couples who completed the 10 Great Dates program reported improvement in their communication, conflict resolution, anger management, and emotional connectedness.

The Arps recently introduced Josh and Christi Straub to be the face of the updated, short (10 minutes or less) video date launches that churches and groups use to kick off each of their 10 Great Dates in a date night series.

“This is so needed, and especially if the church can offer free or low-cost childcare,” Claudia said. This year, a Catholic church in Alexandria, Virginia, is offering 10 Great Dates monthly. Couples met at church and dropped off their children, spent time socializing, watched a short video date launch with the Straubs about one of the date night topics, then headed off on their date. The goal was to spark intimacy, romance and fruitful conversations.

Participants said it was just what they needed to re-energize their marriage and recapture that feeling of being happy and in love they felt when they were first dating. Recently in conjunction with National Marriage Week, their 10 Great Dates was featured on the EWTN’s Catholic Global TV Network.

The first of the 10 Great Dates introduces the concept of making marriage top priority. Others include learning how to talk together, manage conflict, encourage each other, balance roles as partner and parent, and deepen intimacy. “Couples learn marriage skills that will enrich their relationship without realizing it as they enjoy their dates,” David said.

Some of the Arps’ favorite dates are about encouragement and the ways a couple’s individual strengths and weaknesses can complement each other. They learn the lesson to work as a team together early in their marriage.

“As Rocky Balboa said in the classic movie, ‘I got gaps. You got gaps. We fill each other’s gaps,’” Claudia said. Another suggestion - invest 20 seconds every day in two 10-second kisses, a concept the Arps illustrate visually in their videos with two stuffed “kissing” bears. They’ll hold the bears up and count to 10 to demonstrate how long a 10-second kiss really lasts.

“We don’t make very many guarantees, but we guarantee if you kiss for 10 seconds in the morning before going to work and 10 seconds in the evening when you get home, it will make a positive impact on your relationship,” David said. Likewise, they recommend a 20-second hug to stimulate the bonding hormone oxytocin and release stress. “Does anybody not have 20 seconds to invest in their marriage?” David asked.

Recently the Arps’ own church in the Washington D.C. area offered the 10 Great Dates program. Three young moms told Claudia personally at a recent coffee how much it meant to them. Feedback included, “The questions really helped us connect,” and “We talked about things we hadn’t talked about for years.” “We’re meeting a need and helping couples connect in a way that is totally biblical but not a typical Bible study,” Claudia continued. “It’s a great entry point to help couples connect in their relationships and begin to connect with the Lord.”

Date Nine addresses the spiritual connection between spouses and God. “Date Nine is the heart of 10 Great Dates,” Claudia said. Dave continued, “We wanted to offer couples a bridge to enhance the spiritual element in their marriage in a safe, non-threatening manner.” Church groups also asked for material their couples could use after the original 10 Great Dates to keep the momentum going. To meet that need, the Arps, along with Peter and Heather Larson, wrote 10 Great Dates: Connecting Faith, Love & Marriage. “We are trying to open couples’ hearts to each other and the Lord and help feed them into other programs and resources like Prepare/Enrich. Peter Larson is the co-creator of the online Prepare/enrich Inventory and The Couple Check-Up – both wonderful resources,” Claudia said.

The Arps’ major marriage resources (published by Zondervan) are under the umbrella of their not-for-profit ministry, Marriage Alive International, Incl. They consider Marriage Alive the house, where the rooms are filled with their books, seminars and other resources. Our focus from the beginning has been the church,” Claudia said. They believe God gave them a vision for Marriage Alive one day long ago when they were sitting at their breakfast table in Germany. As they asked God how their family could impact the world, Claudia began sketching a drawing about how to strengthen families and communities by building better marriage and family relationships.

“First, the husband-wife relationship needs to be strong. Next is strengthening the family circle and setting goals. Then the family can go into the community through natural activities and grow opportunities to share their faith. Then we can get people into church where they can be strengthened. It all starts with living out our faith in our home,” Claudia added.

As their family dynamics changed, the Arps built upon their date concept to address the empty nest years. Their book, The Second Half of Marriage: Facing the Eight Challenges of a Long-Term Marriage , won the Gold Medallion award as the best Christian marriage book of the year. Later, they also wrote 10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters for a Public Television special they hosted.

While the young-at-heart octogenarians have celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, the Arps currently coach pre-engaged couples personally through their church. Their latest project is to update their 10 Great Dates Before You Say I Do curriculum. They love helping couples decide if they want to get engaged. “This is the ‘sweet spot,’” Claudia said, “where we can help them learn some skills before the ring when it becomes all about the wedding.” The subtitle points to this upstream audience as it offers, “10 fun innovative dates… for seriously dating and engaged couples.”

“The time to really do the work is prior to becoming engaged, when a dating couple can recognize red or yellow flags and either do the work to resolve the issues that will become major problems later or be able to end the relationship before thousands of dollars of wedding deposits are on the line,” Claudia said.

Another feather in the Arp’s legacy cap – updating and translating some of their parenting resources, best-sellers in German, into English for release in the United States. They’ve consulted their grandchildren to ensure content resonates with the new generation. Beloved author Jim Burns has endorsed their books and praised their Suddenly They’re 13, or The Art of Hugging a Cactus for its wisdom.

The Arps still treasure going on dates together. They continue to spend a month or so in Europe every year where they coach couples in marriage ministry and hike in their beloved Austrian Alps. Stateside, their new favorite date is to take an Orangetheory Fitness class together. They’d like their fellow Orangetheory Fitness enthusiasts to know Claudia has more Splat Points, but Dave has burned more calories.